And I thought I understood...

I really thought I was getting to grips with what this universe was all about. I thought I had developed an understanding of why we were not conceiving and that I had actually gained as a person by being made to wait. I understand that I am a much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and therefore in a much better position to bring up a child. I now had more to offer a child.

I had a revelation during meditation that I had actually chosen, prior to starting out in this life, to have a period of infertility. It was to be one of my life lessons and has taught me to value life itself so much more. Given that we are in essence all connected as one, the appreciation I have for the new life that I will create is actually an appreciation of my own life. It is true that previously I was ready to give up on my own life too easily but I really thought I had turned a corner and through my determination to bring a new life into this world had begun to see the importance of my role in the world.

Everything was making sense and I felt I was now a more complete person. I also felt that deep down we wouldnt need to go as far as IVF; assisted conception in the form of IUI would be enough.

However now, I just dont understand why I am reacting to the idea of IVF in the way I am. I truly feel in shock. But why; its not as if someone has died. Its only one step up from IUI. I am struggling to understand myself.

Maybe its not the IVF itself but because it means I hadnt got to grips with the world in the way I thought I had. Or is it because I thought I could trust the deep knowing that I felt. Perhaps the belief that I now valued life was wrong and this is a reminder to show me how far off I am. I know I had a recent blip and became obsessed with ending it again, but the difference was this time I didnt try to act on it. I thought that was a step forward.

The truth is I just dont know what to think any more.