Armed and dangerous

I am now armed with no less than 30 needles and syringes! They gave me a handy carry case to keep everything in whch I was quite impressed with. I love the colour too, purple is my favourite!

They were all ready to start me off today with the injections to start down regulating as I am day 22 until I told them I hadnt ovulated. "Oh" was all the nurse said before I was sent off to see the consultant to have an ultrasound.

It was the first time that hubby got to see my insides on the screen, though I am sure there will be more to come! I had a nice follicle measuring 14mm which looked like it will be the one this month, however it is still a few days away - oh well. At least now we have been taught how to inject and once I know ovulation has happened I can start with the first injection 5 days later.

Also, im glad that they havent given me all the medication in one go either; I think my head would be spinning if they did. I know that there will be a second lot of injections and the next ones will be trickier as you have to do some mixing beforehand but I will tackle that in a few weeks when I get there.

Pep talk

Regarding my last post, im going to stop worrying about it as both our cycles are going to work (that was my positve affirmation!). My accupuncturist, who is fab, told me to be more mindfull with my thoughts. She suggested trying to catch myself when I start to worry and then hold a big fat virtual stop sign up in front of the stream of worrying thoughts.

She says: "Worrying about a situation will never change that situation, it will only make you feel more anxious Claire. It's just wasted energy and you need to be focussing and directing all of your energy to your uterus. This is the first place that energy is taken from when you use it on something else. The mind is very powerful and you need to use this and your intent to direct energy to where you know it will be needed for the next two months. Forget anything else that is going on; for the next two months you are the most important person in the world."

I love her pep talks!

Sister in law's embryo transfer

My SIL had her embryo transfer yesterday; its her second attempt. I so hope that it works for both of us as that would be lovely for christmas. She hasnt told the rest of her family as I guess, understandably, she found it hard when it failed first time and everyone was waiting on the result.

She is the only family that know we are having treatment as I had asked her a few months ago about her experience of accupuncture to help with fertility. However, I havent told her that the plan changed from IUI to IVF or when we are starting. We arent telling anyone in our family at all as I could do without the pressure of their anticipation and expectations. However, I do feel some kind of obligation to tell my SIL seeing as she has told me about their current treatment. I know I worry too much, but think it might make it difficult if it doesnt work for one or both of us. But then, who else would understand the situation better?

Back on top again

After every low there comes a high and this is where I find myself now.

It took me a week for everything to sink in but everything is much clearer now. I still dont fully understand why I had such a reaction to the change of plan but perhaps I dont need to understand it right now. Everything has fallen into place with amazing speed so who am I to question. Perhaps the lesson is to have a positive mindset on your desired outcome but to accept that there may be some greater plan that the universe has in mind.

My accupuncturist couldnt believe that in the month since seeing her, I had seen the fertility specialist, had an HSG, been referred to a fertility clinic and was now waiting to have a scan to start IVF. In fact she said she had never heard of anyone on the NHS going through so quickly and that something somewhere must have a plan for me and that I should go with it.

And I thought I understood...

I really thought I was getting to grips with what this universe was all about. I thought I had developed an understanding of why we were not conceiving and that I had actually gained as a person by being made to wait. I understand that I am a much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and therefore in a much better position to bring up a child. I now had more to offer a child.

I had a revelation during meditation that I had actually chosen, prior to starting out in this life, to have a period of infertility. It was to be one of my life lessons and has taught me to value life itself so much more. Given that we are in essence all connected as one, the appreciation I have for the new life that I will create is actually an appreciation of my own life. It is true that previously I was ready to give up on my own life too easily but I really thought I had turned a corner and through my determination to bring a new life into this world had begun to see the importance of my role in the world.

Everything was making sense and I felt I was now a more complete person. I also felt that deep down we wouldnt need to go as far as IVF; assisted conception in the form of IUI would be enough.

However now, I just dont understand why I am reacting to the idea of IVF in the way I am. I truly feel in shock. But why; its not as if someone has died. Its only one step up from IUI. I am struggling to understand myself.

Maybe its not the IVF itself but because it means I hadnt got to grips with the world in the way I thought I had. Or is it because I thought I could trust the deep knowing that I felt. Perhaps the belief that I now valued life was wrong and this is a reminder to show me how far off I am. I know I had a recent blip and became obsessed with ending it again, but the difference was this time I didnt try to act on it. I thought that was a step forward.

The truth is I just dont know what to think any more.

Whoa...its all change!

We had our first appointment at Herts and Essex Fertility Centre yesterday. Oh my goodness, I feel slightly in shock! The consultant said he thought that hubby's sperm were fine and unlikely to be the reason that we werent conceiving (despite this actually being the reason we were referred). He therefore said that we were unlikely to benefit from IUI and that he recommended going straight to IVF.

Was I that naive to not have even considered that that would happen? I consider myself to be quite well informed about the whole process as I spend a fair amount of time in support forums and you learn a great deal there. I just hadnt even contemplated that we were at that stage; it all seemed so far off! Instead, wham here we are... due to start next month.

My head knows that everything he said made complete sense;

• Far better odds
• No need to worry about eggs not reaching the fallopian tubes
• You can establish if egg quality is ok
• You can establish if the sperm can fertilise an egg
• You can establish the embryo quality
• If we start with IUI, our NHS funding requires we try 6 cycles before moving to IVF

...but I trully wasnt prepared for it. My mind was set on a different plan to this and I feel quite out of sorts that it has all changed. I dont remember the last time I was this taken aback by something. I always have some idea or plan of whats going on in my life, or if something unexpected does happen I am usually quite quick to adapt. Perhaps all that talk of a positive mindset about what will happen has not helped as I didnt see this one coming!

We have a Treatment Information Appointment in 3 weeks where they will teach us how to do the injections and set out a schedule of dates etc. Its timed to be the right stage of my cycle so that can have a scan to confirm im past ovulation and all is ok and then we start with the injections. Goodness, my head is spinning though im sure that it will sink in by then!

Given that my head was in a whirl, I thought I would pick one of my Fairy cards (by Doreen Virue). I held the pack and kept the thought in my mind to ask for some guidance about this whole situation. As I shuffled the pack, one jumped out. I like it when this happens as its quite clear which card is right. I turned it over and it read "New Opportunity". That said everything.

Time to pull out all the stops and keep a positive mindset

Good news! Im so excited. After (quite a lot of) chasing to find out where our referral paperwork was, it has made its way to the fertility clinic. Hubby chased it today and they said their next appointment was a week on monday but they did have a cancellation for this monday i.e. in 3 days time!!!!

Goodness me! They had also said that we should be able to start IUI on our next cycle which will be later that week. The timing is perfect! I was begining to lose hope that we would fit it into the next cycle but something intervened and we have been given a cancellation!

So, positive mindset must begin and must remain. Im so happy right now, I just need this all to work. Did I mention I was excited?!?

Bad news is that I have been so fed up this week with one thing and another that I have eaten rubbish. I have put on a few pounds and now need to lose them by monday to make sure im not overweight when they weigh me. Bread and water for me for the next 3 days then!