In a qandry

Not sure what to do about the fact we have a social worker coming around this week.  I need to speak to them tomorrow and cancel but part of me just cant accept, or perhaps cant allow myself to accept, that this is happening. Its funny, it was the first month that I was absolutely settled in the fact that we were adopting and looking forward to it too. To the point where I felt it was the right thing and part of me was pleased that we couldnt have our own children and that I wouldnt have to go through pregnancy or the early couple of years. I had been thinking about the fact that when you adopt they ask you to go on the pill and that still made me slightly uncomfortable despite how I was feeling it was the right thing to do. In coming to that decision, I felt so much happier about going to see a friend who just had a new baby, knowing that I was no longer jealous and that seeing her was no longer going to upset me inside. It was wonderfull, I felt 100% joy for her with not that usual tiny bit of "why not me??".

Though I wasnt ready to go on the pill, I was happy to consciously avoid 'trying' at that time of month but then realised that we had at exactly that time and....can you believe this....it fleetingly filled me with worry!!! I vowed that, once AF arrived, I would make a more conscious effort and perhaps actually go on the pill at last.

But she didnt arrive, and I couldnt accept that. I bit of me was excited, but part was unsettled as I dont like my plans being changed!!! I had worked so hard to accept we werent giving birth to our children and then thought maybe this was a cruel lesson to make me happier about going on the pill by letting me get pregnant and then have another miscarriage so that I was happy never to chance getting pregnant again.

My brain just couldnt cope and I didnt do a test until I was over a week late and only then told hubby. I was going to wait a few days more until christmas day to tell him but was already feeling sick and off my food and was coming home from work and sleeping. He was pretty surprised but elated and I finally went to the gp christmas eve. Even she was happy for me as she had followed me through the ivfs, the miscarriage, the appeal for funding, the genetic testing, the ovarian reserve testing etc.

Finally, after having a scan I feel I can try to start to believe that its really happening but am still struggling to get in the right mindset. Minds are weird arent they?!?!? I now feel guilty turning my back on adoption!

Adoption on hold

Pic taken at 6weeks 5days.
Heartbeat seen on scan despite bleeding exactly like last time when I miscarried.
Now almost 8 weeks (and still spotting).
100% surprise.
We are, cautiously, over the moon!