As if not being pregnant anymore is not enough, my body wont let go of the hormones and, though they obviously arent rising anymore, they are just not decreasing.
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow to check what is left and figure out my options for getting the rest to come out. Why does the timing have to be so bad? I dont want to have the rest of my miscarriage while having christmas dinner and pretending to be all jolly as the mince pies are passed around. I just want to hide away and wait for it all to be over.
Thursday 22 December 2011
Sunday 18 December 2011
It was all too good to be true
I really dont want to be writing this, especially this close to christmas where everyone is all happy and cheery.
We obviously werent meant to have this baby and I have lost it at 6 weeks. What a Christmas present!?! This is the exact same time that last year we found out our first IVF didnt work and I vowed not to do anything like that again at this time of year. You need time to get your head around these sorts of things, not plunge yourself into visting relatives and going to christmas parties.
Our family dont even know that we did a second IVF and it failed, let alone that we miraculously fell pregnant straight after it. So how do I even start to explain that im not full of the christmas spirit because we just had a miscarriage?
What really was the point of life giving us that little bit of hope for such a short time? I just feel empty, broken, messed around and cheated.
We obviously werent meant to have this baby and I have lost it at 6 weeks. What a Christmas present!?! This is the exact same time that last year we found out our first IVF didnt work and I vowed not to do anything like that again at this time of year. You need time to get your head around these sorts of things, not plunge yourself into visting relatives and going to christmas parties.
Our family dont even know that we did a second IVF and it failed, let alone that we miraculously fell pregnant straight after it. So how do I even start to explain that im not full of the christmas spirit because we just had a miscarriage?
What really was the point of life giving us that little bit of hope for such a short time? I just feel empty, broken, messed around and cheated.
Thursday 8 December 2011
I really am pregnant!
Its all confirmed! First HCG blood test was 475 on day 28 and second was 625 on day 30. So its continuing to rise and we conceived on the cycle immediately after our second failed IVF.
I am so excited but trying to reserve my real excitement until we have seen a healthy baby and heartbeat on a scan. Then I might actually explode!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited but trying to reserve my real excitement until we have seen a healthy baby and heartbeat on a scan. Then I might actually explode!!!!!!!!!!
Monday 5 December 2011
Goodness me I might be pregnant!
Yes thats right! Im in shock, im confused, I have no idea how this has happened!!!
I thought I was on day 12 of a cycle after a ridiculously short 16 day cycle following IVF which I assumed was an after affect of the IVF drugs messing up my system. But things were a little odd like having wrong signs for the first part of a cycle and so I did a pregnancy test to rule that out, fully expecting like every other test it would be negative.....but it wasnt!!!!!
So what did I do? 7 more tests!!! All positive.
I dont know if the IVF did work but didnt show on the testing day and then I bled. Or, that it was the first cycle straight after IVF and the bleed at day 17 was not a proper period. Well it cant have been either way!!
My head is spinning. The bleed is not good so trying not to get hopes up. Went to the doctors this morning and tipped the tests onto her desk and managed to mutter "I think im pregnant....how did that happen?" I had to do another test and then have a blood test. Having another test in two days time to see if HCG is rising and confirm whether it is a continuing pregnancy and hopefully estimate how far along.
Goodness goodness goodness me!!!!!
I thought I was on day 12 of a cycle after a ridiculously short 16 day cycle following IVF which I assumed was an after affect of the IVF drugs messing up my system. But things were a little odd like having wrong signs for the first part of a cycle and so I did a pregnancy test to rule that out, fully expecting like every other test it would be negative.....but it wasnt!!!!!
So what did I do? 7 more tests!!! All positive.
I dont know if the IVF did work but didnt show on the testing day and then I bled. Or, that it was the first cycle straight after IVF and the bleed at day 17 was not a proper period. Well it cant have been either way!!
My head is spinning. The bleed is not good so trying not to get hopes up. Went to the doctors this morning and tipped the tests onto her desk and managed to mutter "I think im pregnant....how did that happen?" I had to do another test and then have a blood test. Having another test in two days time to see if HCG is rising and confirm whether it is a continuing pregnancy and hopefully estimate how far along.
Goodness goodness goodness me!!!!!
Friday 2 December 2011
Appointments, Mexico and Regressive Rebirth
I had my IVF follow up appointment today and they seemed quite positive still. On our last funded cycle we are doing the following:
- Upping the stimulant gonalF to 375 (we doubled it to 300 this time but still not many eggs)
- Taking the pill for 3 weeks before to try to get all eggs to respond evenly. I had about 10 possible follies at the start of this time but some never responded as a few shot ahead and so we had to go ahead and trigger.
- The clinic is going to write to our GP, copying the PCT in, stating that their advice is to waive the 6 month wait as my response and egg reserve is like that of someone 10 years older and it will only get worse not better. We have to just wait and see what happens but if they say no then April 12th is the earliest we can start. If they say yes then its as soon as we want.
We are going on a super duper nice holiday to Mexico at the end of Jan so wouldnt be doing it then any way and im also working with my crystal therapist, Andy, on getting my eggs etc better. If it takes 3 months for eggs to come up to ovulation then what happens in the 2 months prior to an IVF cycle will apparently affect them. Therefore I want to be in the best place possible two months before we go for it. The earliest we would start again if we have the chance is end of February / beginning of March.
Andy has been researching the esoteric significance of ovary issues and has come up with interesting stuff. It has a lot to do with the thyroid and pituitary and he thinks that, seeing what he knows about me already as he has worked on me and I have done several courses with him, he can see it all coming together and making sense. There are some deep seated, long running issues that I obviously need to deal with that it has become apparent are holding me back. A lot of those issues are thought patterning and their consequences so perhaps fertility really is all the mind, in my case anyway!!!!!
So, we are trying something called regressive rebirth which I start next Tuesday. I'll write about that after the first session.
- Upping the stimulant gonalF to 375 (we doubled it to 300 this time but still not many eggs)
- Taking the pill for 3 weeks before to try to get all eggs to respond evenly. I had about 10 possible follies at the start of this time but some never responded as a few shot ahead and so we had to go ahead and trigger.
- The clinic is going to write to our GP, copying the PCT in, stating that their advice is to waive the 6 month wait as my response and egg reserve is like that of someone 10 years older and it will only get worse not better. We have to just wait and see what happens but if they say no then April 12th is the earliest we can start. If they say yes then its as soon as we want.
We are going on a super duper nice holiday to Mexico at the end of Jan so wouldnt be doing it then any way and im also working with my crystal therapist, Andy, on getting my eggs etc better. If it takes 3 months for eggs to come up to ovulation then what happens in the 2 months prior to an IVF cycle will apparently affect them. Therefore I want to be in the best place possible two months before we go for it. The earliest we would start again if we have the chance is end of February / beginning of March.
Andy has been researching the esoteric significance of ovary issues and has come up with interesting stuff. It has a lot to do with the thyroid and pituitary and he thinks that, seeing what he knows about me already as he has worked on me and I have done several courses with him, he can see it all coming together and making sense. There are some deep seated, long running issues that I obviously need to deal with that it has become apparent are holding me back. A lot of those issues are thought patterning and their consequences so perhaps fertility really is all the mind, in my case anyway!!!!!
So, we are trying something called regressive rebirth which I start next Tuesday. I'll write about that after the first session.
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