It's the season to be jolly..

... but I find it the hardest time of the year, particularly this year, and I wouldnt be surprised if I wasnt alone. I have had conversations recently with one of my 'real' friends and several 'online' friends who are in the same situation and so desperately want 2011 to be the year that they successfully get that longed for child. These conversations revolved around the fact that this is the time of year that we socialise more and are expected to visit people and be visited by others who unknowingly rub our noses in the fact that we have infertility problems.

We all know the situations: a new pregnancy announcement, a new birth announcement, a new scan picture or friends moaning about their children. However at this time of year its particularly difficult to hide yourself away from it all.  We havent told any of our family about our recent IVF, as we didnt need their questions or knowing looks or having to explain to them that we also failed at that. However, at Christmas the subject of children and grandchildren inevitably comes up and this time the excuses and trying to shrug off the subject was just that little bit harder. I just wanted to shout out that we HAVE tried, we did 7 weeks of drugs, 41 injections and several hospital procedures. But, I didnt. I smiled and I simply said "perhaps sometime".

I think we really need to be kinder to ourselves. We are not bad people for feeling jealous of the' fertiles' or for feeling hurt that it comes to them so easily. Do try and remember back to a time before you started trying to conceive and recall how you had no comprehension of how it felt to fail in the baby making department. I personally cringe at how many people I may have innocently asked "when are you going to have kids?" and for that I apologise to them all. I also do not feel angry at those that inadvertently put their foot in it without ever realising, as I was once that person too.

We cant expect any of our fertile friends or relatives to understand how it feels. The only way that they could possibly understand is to actually have gone through similar themselves and I dont wish that on any of them.

And lastly, I would like to wish my friends Giles and Caroline all the luck in the world for the IVF cycle that they have recently started.  Giles is the only 'real' person that I talk to in detail about these things after we discovered we were on a parallel journey during a chance discussion when working together almost a year ago. Since then I have always appreciated his advice and would hope to be able to class him as a friend now rather than a work colleague. Caroline, though I have not yet met you, your supportive comments on here have been a real comfort over the last couple of months and I would like nothing more than for this to work out for you.

Happy New Year, I really hope it proves to be fruitful for us all!

Its all over

Im upset but not as gutted as I thought I might be.

It has made me reassess things and I realise that, though I think im ready, I understand why it didnt work. I have been ignoring some other things that have been niggling at me and until I have sorted that I dont think my baby will join me in this world. Babies are wise and I think this one is just waiting for the right time. It knew better than me that the timing was just not yet right.

Its actually the kick up the bum that I needed and perhaps now I will find the courage to embark on something new that I have been toying with for a couple of years. It bugs me every six months or so when I get the realisation that I am lacking something spiritually and therefore do not feel fulfilled. I dont yet have an outlet for everything I have learnt and for sharing my understanding of the world and I feel that until I rectify that and in some way fulfill my purpose for being then that little baby will stay firmly in another plane.

Its quite true that if IVF had worked this time, I would easily have cast aside these niggles fooling myself that I was now complete.  In reality, I have other avenues to pursue and then the whole baby thing may fall into place.

So, I shall  re-start writing my book, I am in the process of constructing a website and I have just ordered some business cards. Im actually quite excited!

A few thoughts and a large pair of knickers

Today is 5 days past a 2 day transfer, or 5dp2dt for short. I have not been to work since the transfer and it has given me a nice, and much needed, break. It has also given me the opportunity to reflect on things and to meditate more - something which I really dont do enough of.

I try very hard to stay positve but the moment when they told us that our chances were pretty low keeps flashing back into my mind. I know that they were being kind by saying that little embie was graded average to poor when actually, on reading through their literature later, the grading they have given it is in fact in the poor category. I then feel guilty for seeming as though I have given up hope when there actually could be a little life struggling against the odds to settle into a nice new home - I almost feel as though I  am betraying it!

In actual fact we are all guilty of being far too eager to assign labels to things. I guess that it is human nature to categorise objects or people or situations so that we can make assumptions about them based on their label. This fools us into thinking that we understand the object/person/situation and we therefore have certain expectations of it.

So, instead, I have tried to turn my thoughts around and mentally correct myself by saying that it will be a little miracle.  Right now, it is a precious life and I will give it every chance possible to settle in this worls. I feel quite calm and positive about the outcome, whatever it may be, and this surprises me. I feel happy and content that we may have a positive ending but also quite ok if it doesnt work as I realise that it will mean that it is just not our baby's time. I am making sure that I meditate regularly to keep myself connected and ensure that life force energy is flowing through my being. I know that I am giving it all I can right now.

Lastly, and as the title suggests; I have added a picture of the HUGE pair of string vest like knickers that I woke up after the egg collection to find I was wearing . I find it a little disconcerting to think that some stranger, albeit a member of the medical profession, has dressed me in some quite personal attire and I have no memory of it!!!Glamorous aren't they?

In need of a miracle

We made it to transfer day and now have little embie tucked in safely. It will have to be a fighter to stick around as we were told its quality is not great. The embryologist said that sometimes the embryos just dont like the cultures that they are grown in in the lab and therefore it may do much better put back where it belongs. I do so hope that this is the case.

I will truly believe in miracles if I get to see this little one when its fully grown. I still love this little group of cells whether it makes it to the big wide world or not.

How did I get to this?

Last injection was saturday night and then off I went for egg collection yesterday morning all hopefull that some of the smaller three had caught up and may produce an egg so that I had more than four.

Nope, that didnt happen. In fact, I didnt even get four. Three was the magic number at the end of the day. Three! All that work, all 5 weeks of injections for three! I was dissapointed but kept reminding myself that I only need one. I just had to pray that they all fertilised and were all ok.

Then the call this morning. Though all three had fertilised, two did so abnormally with two sperm each - apparently an indication of poor egg quality and the outer layer breaking down allowing more that one sperm in. So, three are now one and I go in tomorrow to have the little one put back as there is no point waiting to find our which is the strongest - there is not really much to choose from!

What immediately came to mind when the embryologist called this morning and told me we were down to one was that this was obviously meant to be the one. At least this way its not down to the lab to decide which one of those clumps of cells actually gets to be my child. Nature has taken care of that for me. I just have to hope that they dont call me in the morning to say that my little embryo stopped developing. Please stay strong little embie xx

Full steam ahead, phew!

Scan was much more positive than Tuesday. The inital two follies on the left are bigger (19 and 22mm) and have been joined by a third (16mm). Thankfully the right side grew a bit to give me one good size one (16mm) and three smaller (10, 13 and 13mm) which may catch up.

So, I have been given the go ahead to trigger on Saturday and am booked in for egg collection monday!!! Im so pleased as I was worried it might be cancelled. I have done so much meditation and visualisation of follicles growing and being nourished, I have sat with a hot water bottle on my tummy for the last three nights and also drunk a litre of milk each day. I just dont want to look back on this and think "I should have done more".

The consultant said that there are less follicles than he would have expected but I have 7, of which 4 should definitely have eggs. Not the ideal 10 but he stressed that its quality not quantity. After all, I only need one!!!