So what is really stopping me from getting pregnant? Why cant I be certain that "this month will be it" and be 100% certain that things will work in the way that I could be so certain of what the fertility specialist would say or that my HSG would be clear or that I would find the right job?
There is always some element of doubt in my mind. Its only natural - its self preservation isnt it? If you were to be so certain that something would happen you are surely setting yourself up for a big fall if the outcome is not as expected. I liken it to exams. At the time you might do your best and may be pleased as you are certain you will get good results. But nearer to results day you start doubting yourself and start preparing yourself in case you didnt do so well. That way you are prepared for whatever result you get.
However, where this analogy differs is that in an exam, once you have written your exam paper, you have no further influence over the result. When trying to conceive, what if this little sliver of doubt that I carry deep within me is enough for my body to put up some kind of block to actually letting it happen.
I tell myself that there could be some medical reason that I dont yet know about? Then it wouldnt matter how positive I was being or how concrete my thoughts, it would simply be a matter of the odds being against us. Or would it? We have had all the basic tests so I know its nothing obvious. There is actually no medical reason for us not being successful, especially when we go for IUI as that will pick out the best swimmers!
I must stop preparing myself for failure and start looking forward to success. This will work, I just have to start believing it.
Wednesday 22 September 2010
Wednesday 15 September 2010
An absolute mind and concrete thoughts
I have written a lot about factual events etc over the past few months but have been thinking a lot about how I may have been affecting things.
I was quite impressed with how adamant my mindset was that certain things would happen following our fertility specialist appointment. In my mind I simply would not entertain the idea that he might not have recommended IUI providing my tubes were clear. It just wasnt going to happen any other way despite being warned by my accupuncturist and friends on a support forum.
The next event I was adamant would happen was fitting in the HSG scan despite the nurse asking me to wait and arrange it for my next cycle as there is only one person who does the procedure and there is only a 5 day window etc etc. I was having none of it and called the x-ray department to try my luck. Bingo, they had a slot the next day. Perfect.
During the procedure, there were difficulties and they were about to give up. In my head I felt myself asking someone, something, anyone, for a helping hand to find a way to do this procedure without having to make a further appointment to have it done in theatre under anaesthetic. That would mess up my timescale and I was on a roll, everything was slotting into place and the timing all felt right. I wasnt asking a god or anything but almost opening the situation up to the universe to help find a solution. Something worked as the radiographer came up with an idea to improvise using a completely different piece of equipment. The procedure was completed and tubes were clear, which I just had a feeling would be the case.
Is this concrete thinking whereby I have no room for waivering thoughts or negtive thinking contributing to make events to go ahead??
I have read a lot about the law of cause and effect recently and that energy follows thought-form; if you completely belive something will happen, with absolutely no room for doubt, it will happen. The only other time I have had an absolute mind about something was when looking for a job 3 years ago. I had left my old job after 6 months being off sick due to severe depression but was being helped by studying a 2 year crystal therapy course which was every other monday. I now wanted to return to work but realised that I may find it difficult to find a job where I could take a day off every fortnight!!! But then I found myself visualising those negative thoughts like a stream of energy and holding my hand up to stop them in their tracks as if to say a big fat NO! Each time I worried about finding a job and continuing the crystal course I used the same visualisation. I soon came across a council website which was advertising the exact job I wanted, of which the closing date was a few days away. I applied, got the job, and used annual leave and flexi days to continue my course. Perfect.
Its now dawning on me that perhaps I have to use this absolute and concrete thought process to help in our quest to become parents. I doubt myself too much. I have worried since I was 20 about not being able to have children and how devastated I would be. Why did I do that? I had no reason?
I also wonder whether this was all some grand plan to stall things and that perhaps previously I wasnt ready to have a baby, but thats another post.
x
I was quite impressed with how adamant my mindset was that certain things would happen following our fertility specialist appointment. In my mind I simply would not entertain the idea that he might not have recommended IUI providing my tubes were clear. It just wasnt going to happen any other way despite being warned by my accupuncturist and friends on a support forum.
The next event I was adamant would happen was fitting in the HSG scan despite the nurse asking me to wait and arrange it for my next cycle as there is only one person who does the procedure and there is only a 5 day window etc etc. I was having none of it and called the x-ray department to try my luck. Bingo, they had a slot the next day. Perfect.
During the procedure, there were difficulties and they were about to give up. In my head I felt myself asking someone, something, anyone, for a helping hand to find a way to do this procedure without having to make a further appointment to have it done in theatre under anaesthetic. That would mess up my timescale and I was on a roll, everything was slotting into place and the timing all felt right. I wasnt asking a god or anything but almost opening the situation up to the universe to help find a solution. Something worked as the radiographer came up with an idea to improvise using a completely different piece of equipment. The procedure was completed and tubes were clear, which I just had a feeling would be the case.
Is this concrete thinking whereby I have no room for waivering thoughts or negtive thinking contributing to make events to go ahead??
I have read a lot about the law of cause and effect recently and that energy follows thought-form; if you completely belive something will happen, with absolutely no room for doubt, it will happen. The only other time I have had an absolute mind about something was when looking for a job 3 years ago. I had left my old job after 6 months being off sick due to severe depression but was being helped by studying a 2 year crystal therapy course which was every other monday. I now wanted to return to work but realised that I may find it difficult to find a job where I could take a day off every fortnight!!! But then I found myself visualising those negative thoughts like a stream of energy and holding my hand up to stop them in their tracks as if to say a big fat NO! Each time I worried about finding a job and continuing the crystal course I used the same visualisation. I soon came across a council website which was advertising the exact job I wanted, of which the closing date was a few days away. I applied, got the job, and used annual leave and flexi days to continue my course. Perfect.
Its now dawning on me that perhaps I have to use this absolute and concrete thought process to help in our quest to become parents. I doubt myself too much. I have worried since I was 20 about not being able to have children and how devastated I would be. Why did I do that? I had no reason?
I also wonder whether this was all some grand plan to stall things and that perhaps previously I wasnt ready to have a baby, but thats another post.
x
Saturday 11 September 2010
HSG Palava!
The nurse said the procedure would take 5 minutes but it took half an hour as the hole in the cervix was so tight they couldnt get anything through!! They were on the verge of giving up after trying 4 different sized catheters. They said if this procedure didn't work then they would call it a day and I would have to go to theatre another day for a laparoscopy and have the tubes checked that way.
The radiographer then came out from a back room and said; "This may be a stupid suggestion but... can we use this?" and held up some tube that was used for other procedures which was tapered so may slide in. I told them that I didnt care if it was a stupid suggestion, they should try it and I had decided to be positive that this would work as I didnt want to go to theatre. I felt myself sound quite bossy but I felt so strongly that this hiccup wasnt going to spoil my grand plan of getting referred quickly and have a successful IUI. "This would work" I kept telling myself.
Thankfully it did but I was getting quite stressed with the whole thing as I had been lying there for 25 minutes, trying not to visualise it having to be abandoned and had cramp in my thighs! To top it off there were two student nurses in the room as well. In the end, the dye went in but because they were improvising with the tube the dye spilled all over me as the tube was so narrow there was too much pressure and it sprayed backwards over me.
Good thing is that the dye went in, though very slowly through the very thin tube, and it was painful on one side where there seemed to be a blockage but this was cleared. So its all good in the end!!
I thought afterwards that I should have taken my phone in with me to get a picture of the last x-ray taken - I wont often get the opportunity to see inside myself. Sadly, I didnt have this forthought but I did pull this one off google which is the closest I could find to how mine looked!!!
The radiographer then came out from a back room and said; "This may be a stupid suggestion but... can we use this?" and held up some tube that was used for other procedures which was tapered so may slide in. I told them that I didnt care if it was a stupid suggestion, they should try it and I had decided to be positive that this would work as I didnt want to go to theatre. I felt myself sound quite bossy but I felt so strongly that this hiccup wasnt going to spoil my grand plan of getting referred quickly and have a successful IUI. "This would work" I kept telling myself.
Thankfully it did but I was getting quite stressed with the whole thing as I had been lying there for 25 minutes, trying not to visualise it having to be abandoned and had cramp in my thighs! To top it off there were two student nurses in the room as well. In the end, the dye went in but because they were improvising with the tube the dye spilled all over me as the tube was so narrow there was too much pressure and it sprayed backwards over me.
Good thing is that the dye went in, though very slowly through the very thin tube, and it was painful on one side where there seemed to be a blockage but this was cleared. So its all good in the end!!I thought afterwards that I should have taken my phone in with me to get a picture of the last x-ray taken - I wont often get the opportunity to see inside myself. Sadly, I didnt have this forthought but I did pull this one off google which is the closest I could find to how mine looked!!!
Thursday 9 September 2010
What a week!
What a whirlwind week this has been!!!
It started with our first fertility specialist appointment on tuesday. I had been quite nervous as I set myself certain expectations about what would happen; such as being sent for a scan to check tubes, they would be ok (I just had a feeling) and therefore we would be sent for IUI due to mild male factor. My acupuncturist had warned me that they may try to fob us of with clomid to increase the no of eggs produced since there are such waiting lists that they try to put people off if possible. I didnt want that as it wouldnt help with hubby's morphology. I was adamant though that it would be straightforward - tube check and then IUI. I knew that I would be disappointed if that was not the case so I kept positive that it would be how I visualised it.
Tuesday came and the whole appointment went so fast. The specialist said he recommended IUI but needed to check tubes first. In the meantime, so as not to waste time, the fertility nurse would start filling out our referral paperwork, we just needed to decided on what clinic we wanted to go to! We were also sent for our HIV/Hepatitis blood test screen and I was given the telephone number to book my scan. As soon as the results were back our referral would be made. It was like I had written the script!!
I was told to wait until the first day of my next cycle to ring and book a scan te be done between days 6-10. I thought "well im on day 5 now so it cant hurt to see if I can be squeezed in". In fact I was adamant in my mind that I would be able to have it this week but could only ring between 8 and 9 in the morning so had to wait until wednesday. Still positive that I would have an appointment in the next few days, I rang the X ray department. Wham bam, they gave me an appointment for the next afternoon - thursday!!!
In the meantime, we researched clinics and though there is a very good one down the road, Bourn Hall, it has long waiting lists. The other options were leicester fertility centre and herts and Essex fertility centre. I called all three on thursday morning and go the following info:
Bourn - could not get through but researched on forums and found that in the last few months people are waiting 2 months for their first appointment and then 4-5 months to start treatment.
Leicester - They have no waiting lists, they are currently booking first appointments the week they receive you referral letter and you start on your next cycle. They do however seem to only used ovulation test strips to time the IUI which is no good for me as I know that stress causes me to have delayed ovulation 9sometimes for weeks.
Oh my goodness, I never imagined that this procedure would be such a nightmare!!
Herts and Essex - They also have no waiting lists and are booking first appointments the week they receive the referral letter. They said that each couple is assessed to decide on whether they use medication or not. Just what I wanted to hear. They also sent me a brochure!!
That made it an easy decision!!!
It started with our first fertility specialist appointment on tuesday. I had been quite nervous as I set myself certain expectations about what would happen; such as being sent for a scan to check tubes, they would be ok (I just had a feeling) and therefore we would be sent for IUI due to mild male factor. My acupuncturist had warned me that they may try to fob us of with clomid to increase the no of eggs produced since there are such waiting lists that they try to put people off if possible. I didnt want that as it wouldnt help with hubby's morphology. I was adamant though that it would be straightforward - tube check and then IUI. I knew that I would be disappointed if that was not the case so I kept positive that it would be how I visualised it.
Tuesday came and the whole appointment went so fast. The specialist said he recommended IUI but needed to check tubes first. In the meantime, so as not to waste time, the fertility nurse would start filling out our referral paperwork, we just needed to decided on what clinic we wanted to go to! We were also sent for our HIV/Hepatitis blood test screen and I was given the telephone number to book my scan. As soon as the results were back our referral would be made. It was like I had written the script!!
I was told to wait until the first day of my next cycle to ring and book a scan te be done between days 6-10. I thought "well im on day 5 now so it cant hurt to see if I can be squeezed in". In fact I was adamant in my mind that I would be able to have it this week but could only ring between 8 and 9 in the morning so had to wait until wednesday. Still positive that I would have an appointment in the next few days, I rang the X ray department. Wham bam, they gave me an appointment for the next afternoon - thursday!!!
In the meantime, we researched clinics and though there is a very good one down the road, Bourn Hall, it has long waiting lists. The other options were leicester fertility centre and herts and Essex fertility centre. I called all three on thursday morning and go the following info:
Bourn - could not get through but researched on forums and found that in the last few months people are waiting 2 months for their first appointment and then 4-5 months to start treatment.
Leicester - They have no waiting lists, they are currently booking first appointments the week they receive you referral letter and you start on your next cycle. They do however seem to only used ovulation test strips to time the IUI which is no good for me as I know that stress causes me to have delayed ovulation 9sometimes for weeks.
Oh my goodness, I never imagined that this procedure would be such a nightmare!!
Herts and Essex - They also have no waiting lists and are booking first appointments the week they receive the referral letter. They said that each couple is assessed to decide on whether they use medication or not. Just what I wanted to hear. They also sent me a brochure!!
That made it an easy decision!!!
Saturday 4 September 2010
Why am I so stupid?
Why did I ever think that this cycle would be any diferent from the others? Dam it.
Just because I ovulated against all the odds during a stressfull time at work, and the fact that we gave it a good try every day for 5 days in a row, and because it would be perfect to get a positive the weekend before our first fertility specialist appointment, and because the timing would be perfect so the due date would be our anniversary, and becasue we would be able to give my dad our first scan picture as a retirement present in november.
Oh and last of all, because I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 31 which is today (I also wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30 but that came and went). It would have been the best birthday present ever.
I was kidding myself wasnt I?
Just because I ovulated against all the odds during a stressfull time at work, and the fact that we gave it a good try every day for 5 days in a row, and because it would be perfect to get a positive the weekend before our first fertility specialist appointment, and because the timing would be perfect so the due date would be our anniversary, and becasue we would be able to give my dad our first scan picture as a retirement present in november.
Oh and last of all, because I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 31 which is today (I also wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30 but that came and went). It would have been the best birthday present ever.
I was kidding myself wasnt I?
Wednesday 1 September 2010
Meditation - Divine Feminine?
Following my accupuncture appointment last monday I did a meditation once I was at home and something strange happened...
I had first picked a crystal to meditate with and saw that one of my quartz crstals had fallen over. I picked it up and realised that it was a single point with a smaller point joined next to it. Kind of like a mother and child. I thought that that would be the perfect crystal. Once I started the mediatation, I got a strange smell, like old ladies perfume. I thought I was smeling something in the room but when I brought my awareness back to the room, it was gone. I returned back to meditation and it was there again. Next the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" came into my head. Strange. Though I then associated the smell with a feminine presence and felt quite reassured. I felt quite sleepy and went to bed and was drawn to take the crystal with me. Since then, I have taken the same crystal with me and repeated the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" every night bfore I fall asleep.
I hope this all means something and is givingme reasurance that everything is working!!
I had first picked a crystal to meditate with and saw that one of my quartz crstals had fallen over. I picked it up and realised that it was a single point with a smaller point joined next to it. Kind of like a mother and child. I thought that that would be the perfect crystal. Once I started the mediatation, I got a strange smell, like old ladies perfume. I thought I was smeling something in the room but when I brought my awareness back to the room, it was gone. I returned back to meditation and it was there again. Next the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" came into my head. Strange. Though I then associated the smell with a feminine presence and felt quite reassured. I felt quite sleepy and went to bed and was drawn to take the crystal with me. Since then, I have taken the same crystal with me and repeated the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" every night bfore I fall asleep.
I hope this all means something and is givingme reasurance that everything is working!!
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