Grow follies grow!!!

OK I need to do some serious visualisation to encourage these follicles to grow - they seem a little lazy. After 8 days of being stimulated, the left side had only 2 good ones at 15mm and the right side had three that are still at 10mm.  Ideally you would want a total of 10 that are showing signs of growth. Bugger.

Next scan on friday which will be 11 days of stimms; im hoping that the rest catch up and perhaps see some others come into view? Lining was good though at 7.5mm. I was told that they need it to be 8mm at egg collection so at least thats not too far off.

Im going to keep visualising them growing and directing energy to that area. I went for accupuncture last night and she worked on increasing blood flow but said that my right side was a little sluggish. Hopefully that will also help. I will update on friday, fingers crossed!!!!

p.s I have just added it up and cant believe I have done 35 injections so far!!!

And so it all begins

Im so happy that the consultant said I am all ready to start the stimulating injections - I told him afterwards that I would have cried if he said I had to wait any longer!

So, the scan went well. There were 4 follicles visible on one side and 3 on the other. Hopefully a couple more will be apparent this time next week when I have my next scan. Endometrium lining was less than 1mm which is how he said it should be right now and that it will start to get thicker as the follicles grow.

He has also said that I can reduce the suprecur dose given that it is making me depressed, so that should help. The nurse gave me my first Gonal-F (ovarian stimulation) injection today and I will carry on with them tomorrow.

Provisional egg collection is booked in for tuesday 7th December which means testing day will be around 21st December, eek!

I had a lovely experience during a meditation yesterday. It was as if I was overhearing a conversation but knew that it was actually some part of me that was speaking. I heard: "I shall look after you now, I am ready to take responsibility for a new life". After hearing that and my crystal friend seeing a vision of my child whilst treating me, I am feeling quite positive. 

IVF drugs and the energy field

I learnt something interesting today. I went to see my friend  Andy for some crystal work as I had been having a bad time with the side effects of the down regulating drugs. I felt as though I was injecting an alien into my body every night which had now got inside me and flicked all the switches to turn on depression.

He dowsed my energy field and was making some "oh" "ahh" and "oooh...thats interesting" noises! He said my energy field was generally quite good and strong until he got to my pelvic area on my left side (the feminine side), where he said it almost dissapeared!  He checked my front and that was the same - it was completely depleted around my sacral centre (area just below the belly button) and correspondingly my sacral centre was completely blocked.

On a physical level the sacral centre is associated with the reproductive system, therefore the ovaries in a female, on a mental level it is associeted with creativity, on an emotional level it is asociated with joy and spiritually it is associted with enthusiasm.

Therefore it is not surprising that, since I am taking strong drugs to force the shut down of my ovaries, my sacral centre has become stagnant. It has had such a strong effect that not only is there no energy flow on a physical level, it has had an effect on other levels also and forced a depressive and unenthusiastic mood on me. 

As you move out from the physical body you encounter the emotional body or plane followed by the mental body or plane followed by the spiritual bodies or planes - kind of like an onion with lots of different layers. The physical shut down of my ovaries, and consequently the shut down of the sacral centre, has had a knock on effect in the same area throughout these other bodies or planes. This has meant that my whole energy field in this area seems to have been wiped out.

This is qute unusual for me as although I have had major depression issues in the past, I can generally spot the signs and energetically there is evidence of weaknesses and blockages all over. Its interesting to see that I am still going strong but that it is clear to see the effects of the drugs in such an isolated area and for it to have happened so suddenly.

And finally, a brief update on my IVF cycle: I have an appointment on Tuesday for my first scan to get the go ahead to start the stimulating drugs. Yay! No wonder, given what I have learnt today, that they say the side effects and depression in particular should subside when I start the new injections!

Oh the irony...

It took me no less than 8 whole months, and two trips to A&E when things went wrong, to wean myself off the combination of antidepressants that I was taking so that I would be on a safe level, or no medication at all, when we got pregnant. Since then I have fought my GP and various psychiatrists and psychologists when they advise that I should be on medication every time I wobbled.

Instead, I have worked hard with Andy, my crystal friend, to strengthen myself inside and develop my understanding of myself, how I am and how I react within this world. I owe Andy a lot as he has metaphysically pulled me back to this world when I have quite literally been away with the fairies.

Obvioulsy, a contributing factor to my ups and downs over the last two years has been the, quite rightly named, emotional rollercoaster that comes with trying to conceive (TTC).  However, now we have moved onto IVF and there is a real chance of success I find that one side effect of the drugs I must take is a reccurrance of depression.

Its been 11 days taking suprecur injections and I feel im losing myself. That coupled with the trouble sleeping is not helping but I dont know if thats directly the suprecur or indirectly due to my fuzzy head. It was 3.30am the last time I looked at the clock last night after I tried sleeping in the spare room at 1am and then down on the sofa at 2am with not much more on the tv but a bizzare film about teenage lesbians who like swiming.

I find it so ironic that Hubby and I have discussed whether we need to stop this cycle. I read that the side effects lessen when you start the stimulating injections but I have no idea of when that will be. This treatment cycle is only for a finite period of time of course and I have to hang on to the fact that it is a means to an end. I just need to work hard on making sure my head doesnt spiral too far down in the meantime.

All going well

Im getting used to the injections now, even though we have only done 4! 

Please excuse my scruffy "injection trousers"!



I had a bit of bad luck with the first one, which bled a bit, but the others have been fine. I must say a big thank you to the ladies on the babyandbump website when I had a little panic about my markings (see picture)! They are always so supportive and shared with me their experiences and injections tips. I would recommend anyone having fertility issues to take a look at this forum and post any questions or concerns that they have; they really have made this whole process a lot more bearable over the last year.

The other bit of news is that I had an interesting chat with my crystal therapy friend when I went last week. We worked on some visualisations to do which, once developed a little more, I will type up and share. I also had an interesting conversation about a baby's soul and when it becomes part of the physical body. I need to get that a little straighter in my head and perhaps do some meditation on it before I also write I that one up.

First injection

Well that's one down and many to go!  I called the fertility clinic and they said to just start straight away. Given that a week ago I had a 14mm follicle I may have either missed ovulation, so now would be the right time to start, or if I havent already ovulated then starting the injections may kick start things.

So this evening was the beginning. It wasnt so bad; hubby was brilliant at doing it considering he hates needles himself. I, however, promtly threw up 5 minutes later! I think the nerves got the better of me - I have no problems with needles and think I would have been fine except for the fact that we had to do the injections ourselves!

Not quite going as planned

Well the title say it all really. I seem incapable of working properly and feel quite a failure before we have even started. All I had to do was ovulate, it should be simple. I dont even have to try and conceive this month. However the pressure has obviously got to me and now my body is refusing to work. It may seem quite a trivial thing but it took me a while to get my head around the whole IVF thing and now that I am ready and am prepared to start the goal posts kepe being put back and back. I feel pretty fed up with my body and am having to fight off that black mist of depression. I started to wonder how I will cope if the end outcome is negative? In fact I just dont want to think about that, it makes me feel sick.

It has made me realise though that I am quite a sensitive creature. I have no doubt that the stress and pressure I put myself under every month to try for a baby, even when I feel positive, is probably the one thing that is stopping it happening in the first place. Now that my only goal is to ovulate my body refuses that too.

Im afraid I just dont have any answers to all of this right now, its not making much sense. Im going to see my friend who does crystal therapy tomorrow and hopefully that will give me a boost.