It's the season to be jolly..

... but I find it the hardest time of the year, particularly this year, and I wouldnt be surprised if I wasnt alone. I have had conversations recently with one of my 'real' friends and several 'online' friends who are in the same situation and so desperately want 2011 to be the year that they successfully get that longed for child. These conversations revolved around the fact that this is the time of year that we socialise more and are expected to visit people and be visited by others who unknowingly rub our noses in the fact that we have infertility problems.

We all know the situations: a new pregnancy announcement, a new birth announcement, a new scan picture or friends moaning about their children. However at this time of year its particularly difficult to hide yourself away from it all.  We havent told any of our family about our recent IVF, as we didnt need their questions or knowing looks or having to explain to them that we also failed at that. However, at Christmas the subject of children and grandchildren inevitably comes up and this time the excuses and trying to shrug off the subject was just that little bit harder. I just wanted to shout out that we HAVE tried, we did 7 weeks of drugs, 41 injections and several hospital procedures. But, I didnt. I smiled and I simply said "perhaps sometime".

I think we really need to be kinder to ourselves. We are not bad people for feeling jealous of the' fertiles' or for feeling hurt that it comes to them so easily. Do try and remember back to a time before you started trying to conceive and recall how you had no comprehension of how it felt to fail in the baby making department. I personally cringe at how many people I may have innocently asked "when are you going to have kids?" and for that I apologise to them all. I also do not feel angry at those that inadvertently put their foot in it without ever realising, as I was once that person too.

We cant expect any of our fertile friends or relatives to understand how it feels. The only way that they could possibly understand is to actually have gone through similar themselves and I dont wish that on any of them.

And lastly, I would like to wish my friends Giles and Caroline all the luck in the world for the IVF cycle that they have recently started.  Giles is the only 'real' person that I talk to in detail about these things after we discovered we were on a parallel journey during a chance discussion when working together almost a year ago. Since then I have always appreciated his advice and would hope to be able to class him as a friend now rather than a work colleague. Caroline, though I have not yet met you, your supportive comments on here have been a real comfort over the last couple of months and I would like nothing more than for this to work out for you.

Happy New Year, I really hope it proves to be fruitful for us all!

Its all over

Im upset but not as gutted as I thought I might be.

It has made me reassess things and I realise that, though I think im ready, I understand why it didnt work. I have been ignoring some other things that have been niggling at me and until I have sorted that I dont think my baby will join me in this world. Babies are wise and I think this one is just waiting for the right time. It knew better than me that the timing was just not yet right.

Its actually the kick up the bum that I needed and perhaps now I will find the courage to embark on something new that I have been toying with for a couple of years. It bugs me every six months or so when I get the realisation that I am lacking something spiritually and therefore do not feel fulfilled. I dont yet have an outlet for everything I have learnt and for sharing my understanding of the world and I feel that until I rectify that and in some way fulfill my purpose for being then that little baby will stay firmly in another plane.

Its quite true that if IVF had worked this time, I would easily have cast aside these niggles fooling myself that I was now complete.  In reality, I have other avenues to pursue and then the whole baby thing may fall into place.

So, I shall  re-start writing my book, I am in the process of constructing a website and I have just ordered some business cards. Im actually quite excited!

A few thoughts and a large pair of knickers

Today is 5 days past a 2 day transfer, or 5dp2dt for short. I have not been to work since the transfer and it has given me a nice, and much needed, break. It has also given me the opportunity to reflect on things and to meditate more - something which I really dont do enough of.

I try very hard to stay positve but the moment when they told us that our chances were pretty low keeps flashing back into my mind. I know that they were being kind by saying that little embie was graded average to poor when actually, on reading through their literature later, the grading they have given it is in fact in the poor category. I then feel guilty for seeming as though I have given up hope when there actually could be a little life struggling against the odds to settle into a nice new home - I almost feel as though I  am betraying it!

In actual fact we are all guilty of being far too eager to assign labels to things. I guess that it is human nature to categorise objects or people or situations so that we can make assumptions about them based on their label. This fools us into thinking that we understand the object/person/situation and we therefore have certain expectations of it.

So, instead, I have tried to turn my thoughts around and mentally correct myself by saying that it will be a little miracle.  Right now, it is a precious life and I will give it every chance possible to settle in this worls. I feel quite calm and positive about the outcome, whatever it may be, and this surprises me. I feel happy and content that we may have a positive ending but also quite ok if it doesnt work as I realise that it will mean that it is just not our baby's time. I am making sure that I meditate regularly to keep myself connected and ensure that life force energy is flowing through my being. I know that I am giving it all I can right now.

Lastly, and as the title suggests; I have added a picture of the HUGE pair of string vest like knickers that I woke up after the egg collection to find I was wearing . I find it a little disconcerting to think that some stranger, albeit a member of the medical profession, has dressed me in some quite personal attire and I have no memory of it!!!Glamorous aren't they?

In need of a miracle

We made it to transfer day and now have little embie tucked in safely. It will have to be a fighter to stick around as we were told its quality is not great. The embryologist said that sometimes the embryos just dont like the cultures that they are grown in in the lab and therefore it may do much better put back where it belongs. I do so hope that this is the case.

I will truly believe in miracles if I get to see this little one when its fully grown. I still love this little group of cells whether it makes it to the big wide world or not.

How did I get to this?

Last injection was saturday night and then off I went for egg collection yesterday morning all hopefull that some of the smaller three had caught up and may produce an egg so that I had more than four.

Nope, that didnt happen. In fact, I didnt even get four. Three was the magic number at the end of the day. Three! All that work, all 5 weeks of injections for three! I was dissapointed but kept reminding myself that I only need one. I just had to pray that they all fertilised and were all ok.

Then the call this morning. Though all three had fertilised, two did so abnormally with two sperm each - apparently an indication of poor egg quality and the outer layer breaking down allowing more that one sperm in. So, three are now one and I go in tomorrow to have the little one put back as there is no point waiting to find our which is the strongest - there is not really much to choose from!

What immediately came to mind when the embryologist called this morning and told me we were down to one was that this was obviously meant to be the one. At least this way its not down to the lab to decide which one of those clumps of cells actually gets to be my child. Nature has taken care of that for me. I just have to hope that they dont call me in the morning to say that my little embryo stopped developing. Please stay strong little embie xx

Full steam ahead, phew!

Scan was much more positive than Tuesday. The inital two follies on the left are bigger (19 and 22mm) and have been joined by a third (16mm). Thankfully the right side grew a bit to give me one good size one (16mm) and three smaller (10, 13 and 13mm) which may catch up.

So, I have been given the go ahead to trigger on Saturday and am booked in for egg collection monday!!! Im so pleased as I was worried it might be cancelled. I have done so much meditation and visualisation of follicles growing and being nourished, I have sat with a hot water bottle on my tummy for the last three nights and also drunk a litre of milk each day. I just dont want to look back on this and think "I should have done more".

The consultant said that there are less follicles than he would have expected but I have 7, of which 4 should definitely have eggs. Not the ideal 10 but he stressed that its quality not quantity. After all, I only need one!!!

Grow follies grow!!!

OK I need to do some serious visualisation to encourage these follicles to grow - they seem a little lazy. After 8 days of being stimulated, the left side had only 2 good ones at 15mm and the right side had three that are still at 10mm.  Ideally you would want a total of 10 that are showing signs of growth. Bugger.

Next scan on friday which will be 11 days of stimms; im hoping that the rest catch up and perhaps see some others come into view? Lining was good though at 7.5mm. I was told that they need it to be 8mm at egg collection so at least thats not too far off.

Im going to keep visualising them growing and directing energy to that area. I went for accupuncture last night and she worked on increasing blood flow but said that my right side was a little sluggish. Hopefully that will also help. I will update on friday, fingers crossed!!!!

p.s I have just added it up and cant believe I have done 35 injections so far!!!

And so it all begins

Im so happy that the consultant said I am all ready to start the stimulating injections - I told him afterwards that I would have cried if he said I had to wait any longer!

So, the scan went well. There were 4 follicles visible on one side and 3 on the other. Hopefully a couple more will be apparent this time next week when I have my next scan. Endometrium lining was less than 1mm which is how he said it should be right now and that it will start to get thicker as the follicles grow.

He has also said that I can reduce the suprecur dose given that it is making me depressed, so that should help. The nurse gave me my first Gonal-F (ovarian stimulation) injection today and I will carry on with them tomorrow.

Provisional egg collection is booked in for tuesday 7th December which means testing day will be around 21st December, eek!

I had a lovely experience during a meditation yesterday. It was as if I was overhearing a conversation but knew that it was actually some part of me that was speaking. I heard: "I shall look after you now, I am ready to take responsibility for a new life". After hearing that and my crystal friend seeing a vision of my child whilst treating me, I am feeling quite positive. 

IVF drugs and the energy field

I learnt something interesting today. I went to see my friend  Andy for some crystal work as I had been having a bad time with the side effects of the down regulating drugs. I felt as though I was injecting an alien into my body every night which had now got inside me and flicked all the switches to turn on depression.

He dowsed my energy field and was making some "oh" "ahh" and "oooh...thats interesting" noises! He said my energy field was generally quite good and strong until he got to my pelvic area on my left side (the feminine side), where he said it almost dissapeared!  He checked my front and that was the same - it was completely depleted around my sacral centre (area just below the belly button) and correspondingly my sacral centre was completely blocked.

On a physical level the sacral centre is associated with the reproductive system, therefore the ovaries in a female, on a mental level it is associeted with creativity, on an emotional level it is asociated with joy and spiritually it is associted with enthusiasm.

Therefore it is not surprising that, since I am taking strong drugs to force the shut down of my ovaries, my sacral centre has become stagnant. It has had such a strong effect that not only is there no energy flow on a physical level, it has had an effect on other levels also and forced a depressive and unenthusiastic mood on me. 

As you move out from the physical body you encounter the emotional body or plane followed by the mental body or plane followed by the spiritual bodies or planes - kind of like an onion with lots of different layers. The physical shut down of my ovaries, and consequently the shut down of the sacral centre, has had a knock on effect in the same area throughout these other bodies or planes. This has meant that my whole energy field in this area seems to have been wiped out.

This is qute unusual for me as although I have had major depression issues in the past, I can generally spot the signs and energetically there is evidence of weaknesses and blockages all over. Its interesting to see that I am still going strong but that it is clear to see the effects of the drugs in such an isolated area and for it to have happened so suddenly.

And finally, a brief update on my IVF cycle: I have an appointment on Tuesday for my first scan to get the go ahead to start the stimulating drugs. Yay! No wonder, given what I have learnt today, that they say the side effects and depression in particular should subside when I start the new injections!

Oh the irony...

It took me no less than 8 whole months, and two trips to A&E when things went wrong, to wean myself off the combination of antidepressants that I was taking so that I would be on a safe level, or no medication at all, when we got pregnant. Since then I have fought my GP and various psychiatrists and psychologists when they advise that I should be on medication every time I wobbled.

Instead, I have worked hard with Andy, my crystal friend, to strengthen myself inside and develop my understanding of myself, how I am and how I react within this world. I owe Andy a lot as he has metaphysically pulled me back to this world when I have quite literally been away with the fairies.

Obvioulsy, a contributing factor to my ups and downs over the last two years has been the, quite rightly named, emotional rollercoaster that comes with trying to conceive (TTC).  However, now we have moved onto IVF and there is a real chance of success I find that one side effect of the drugs I must take is a reccurrance of depression.

Its been 11 days taking suprecur injections and I feel im losing myself. That coupled with the trouble sleeping is not helping but I dont know if thats directly the suprecur or indirectly due to my fuzzy head. It was 3.30am the last time I looked at the clock last night after I tried sleeping in the spare room at 1am and then down on the sofa at 2am with not much more on the tv but a bizzare film about teenage lesbians who like swiming.

I find it so ironic that Hubby and I have discussed whether we need to stop this cycle. I read that the side effects lessen when you start the stimulating injections but I have no idea of when that will be. This treatment cycle is only for a finite period of time of course and I have to hang on to the fact that it is a means to an end. I just need to work hard on making sure my head doesnt spiral too far down in the meantime.

All going well

Im getting used to the injections now, even though we have only done 4! 

Please excuse my scruffy "injection trousers"!



I had a bit of bad luck with the first one, which bled a bit, but the others have been fine. I must say a big thank you to the ladies on the babyandbump website when I had a little panic about my markings (see picture)! They are always so supportive and shared with me their experiences and injections tips. I would recommend anyone having fertility issues to take a look at this forum and post any questions or concerns that they have; they really have made this whole process a lot more bearable over the last year.

The other bit of news is that I had an interesting chat with my crystal therapy friend when I went last week. We worked on some visualisations to do which, once developed a little more, I will type up and share. I also had an interesting conversation about a baby's soul and when it becomes part of the physical body. I need to get that a little straighter in my head and perhaps do some meditation on it before I also write I that one up.

First injection

Well that's one down and many to go!  I called the fertility clinic and they said to just start straight away. Given that a week ago I had a 14mm follicle I may have either missed ovulation, so now would be the right time to start, or if I havent already ovulated then starting the injections may kick start things.

So this evening was the beginning. It wasnt so bad; hubby was brilliant at doing it considering he hates needles himself. I, however, promtly threw up 5 minutes later! I think the nerves got the better of me - I have no problems with needles and think I would have been fine except for the fact that we had to do the injections ourselves!

Not quite going as planned

Well the title say it all really. I seem incapable of working properly and feel quite a failure before we have even started. All I had to do was ovulate, it should be simple. I dont even have to try and conceive this month. However the pressure has obviously got to me and now my body is refusing to work. It may seem quite a trivial thing but it took me a while to get my head around the whole IVF thing and now that I am ready and am prepared to start the goal posts kepe being put back and back. I feel pretty fed up with my body and am having to fight off that black mist of depression. I started to wonder how I will cope if the end outcome is negative? In fact I just dont want to think about that, it makes me feel sick.

It has made me realise though that I am quite a sensitive creature. I have no doubt that the stress and pressure I put myself under every month to try for a baby, even when I feel positive, is probably the one thing that is stopping it happening in the first place. Now that my only goal is to ovulate my body refuses that too.

Im afraid I just dont have any answers to all of this right now, its not making much sense. Im going to see my friend who does crystal therapy tomorrow and hopefully that will give me a boost.

Armed and dangerous

I am now armed with no less than 30 needles and syringes! They gave me a handy carry case to keep everything in whch I was quite impressed with. I love the colour too, purple is my favourite!

They were all ready to start me off today with the injections to start down regulating as I am day 22 until I told them I hadnt ovulated. "Oh" was all the nurse said before I was sent off to see the consultant to have an ultrasound.

It was the first time that hubby got to see my insides on the screen, though I am sure there will be more to come! I had a nice follicle measuring 14mm which looked like it will be the one this month, however it is still a few days away - oh well. At least now we have been taught how to inject and once I know ovulation has happened I can start with the first injection 5 days later.

Also, im glad that they havent given me all the medication in one go either; I think my head would be spinning if they did. I know that there will be a second lot of injections and the next ones will be trickier as you have to do some mixing beforehand but I will tackle that in a few weeks when I get there.

Pep talk

Regarding my last post, im going to stop worrying about it as both our cycles are going to work (that was my positve affirmation!). My accupuncturist, who is fab, told me to be more mindfull with my thoughts. She suggested trying to catch myself when I start to worry and then hold a big fat virtual stop sign up in front of the stream of worrying thoughts.

She says: "Worrying about a situation will never change that situation, it will only make you feel more anxious Claire. It's just wasted energy and you need to be focussing and directing all of your energy to your uterus. This is the first place that energy is taken from when you use it on something else. The mind is very powerful and you need to use this and your intent to direct energy to where you know it will be needed for the next two months. Forget anything else that is going on; for the next two months you are the most important person in the world."

I love her pep talks!

Sister in law's embryo transfer

My SIL had her embryo transfer yesterday; its her second attempt. I so hope that it works for both of us as that would be lovely for christmas. She hasnt told the rest of her family as I guess, understandably, she found it hard when it failed first time and everyone was waiting on the result.

She is the only family that know we are having treatment as I had asked her a few months ago about her experience of accupuncture to help with fertility. However, I havent told her that the plan changed from IUI to IVF or when we are starting. We arent telling anyone in our family at all as I could do without the pressure of their anticipation and expectations. However, I do feel some kind of obligation to tell my SIL seeing as she has told me about their current treatment. I know I worry too much, but think it might make it difficult if it doesnt work for one or both of us. But then, who else would understand the situation better?

Back on top again

After every low there comes a high and this is where I find myself now.

It took me a week for everything to sink in but everything is much clearer now. I still dont fully understand why I had such a reaction to the change of plan but perhaps I dont need to understand it right now. Everything has fallen into place with amazing speed so who am I to question. Perhaps the lesson is to have a positive mindset on your desired outcome but to accept that there may be some greater plan that the universe has in mind.

My accupuncturist couldnt believe that in the month since seeing her, I had seen the fertility specialist, had an HSG, been referred to a fertility clinic and was now waiting to have a scan to start IVF. In fact she said she had never heard of anyone on the NHS going through so quickly and that something somewhere must have a plan for me and that I should go with it.

And I thought I understood...

I really thought I was getting to grips with what this universe was all about. I thought I had developed an understanding of why we were not conceiving and that I had actually gained as a person by being made to wait. I understand that I am a much stronger person than I was 2 years ago and therefore in a much better position to bring up a child. I now had more to offer a child.

I had a revelation during meditation that I had actually chosen, prior to starting out in this life, to have a period of infertility. It was to be one of my life lessons and has taught me to value life itself so much more. Given that we are in essence all connected as one, the appreciation I have for the new life that I will create is actually an appreciation of my own life. It is true that previously I was ready to give up on my own life too easily but I really thought I had turned a corner and through my determination to bring a new life into this world had begun to see the importance of my role in the world.

Everything was making sense and I felt I was now a more complete person. I also felt that deep down we wouldnt need to go as far as IVF; assisted conception in the form of IUI would be enough.

However now, I just dont understand why I am reacting to the idea of IVF in the way I am. I truly feel in shock. But why; its not as if someone has died. Its only one step up from IUI. I am struggling to understand myself.

Maybe its not the IVF itself but because it means I hadnt got to grips with the world in the way I thought I had. Or is it because I thought I could trust the deep knowing that I felt. Perhaps the belief that I now valued life was wrong and this is a reminder to show me how far off I am. I know I had a recent blip and became obsessed with ending it again, but the difference was this time I didnt try to act on it. I thought that was a step forward.

The truth is I just dont know what to think any more.

Whoa...its all change!

We had our first appointment at Herts and Essex Fertility Centre yesterday. Oh my goodness, I feel slightly in shock! The consultant said he thought that hubby's sperm were fine and unlikely to be the reason that we werent conceiving (despite this actually being the reason we were referred). He therefore said that we were unlikely to benefit from IUI and that he recommended going straight to IVF.

Was I that naive to not have even considered that that would happen? I consider myself to be quite well informed about the whole process as I spend a fair amount of time in support forums and you learn a great deal there. I just hadnt even contemplated that we were at that stage; it all seemed so far off! Instead, wham here we are... due to start next month.

My head knows that everything he said made complete sense;

• Far better odds
• No need to worry about eggs not reaching the fallopian tubes
• You can establish if egg quality is ok
• You can establish if the sperm can fertilise an egg
• You can establish the embryo quality
• If we start with IUI, our NHS funding requires we try 6 cycles before moving to IVF

...but I trully wasnt prepared for it. My mind was set on a different plan to this and I feel quite out of sorts that it has all changed. I dont remember the last time I was this taken aback by something. I always have some idea or plan of whats going on in my life, or if something unexpected does happen I am usually quite quick to adapt. Perhaps all that talk of a positive mindset about what will happen has not helped as I didnt see this one coming!

We have a Treatment Information Appointment in 3 weeks where they will teach us how to do the injections and set out a schedule of dates etc. Its timed to be the right stage of my cycle so that can have a scan to confirm im past ovulation and all is ok and then we start with the injections. Goodness, my head is spinning though im sure that it will sink in by then!

Given that my head was in a whirl, I thought I would pick one of my Fairy cards (by Doreen Virue). I held the pack and kept the thought in my mind to ask for some guidance about this whole situation. As I shuffled the pack, one jumped out. I like it when this happens as its quite clear which card is right. I turned it over and it read "New Opportunity". That said everything.

Time to pull out all the stops and keep a positive mindset

Good news! Im so excited. After (quite a lot of) chasing to find out where our referral paperwork was, it has made its way to the fertility clinic. Hubby chased it today and they said their next appointment was a week on monday but they did have a cancellation for this monday i.e. in 3 days time!!!!

Goodness me! They had also said that we should be able to start IUI on our next cycle which will be later that week. The timing is perfect! I was begining to lose hope that we would fit it into the next cycle but something intervened and we have been given a cancellation!

So, positive mindset must begin and must remain. Im so happy right now, I just need this all to work. Did I mention I was excited?!?

Bad news is that I have been so fed up this week with one thing and another that I have eaten rubbish. I have put on a few pounds and now need to lose them by monday to make sure im not overweight when they weigh me. Bread and water for me for the next 3 days then!

Why can't I believe in my ability to become pregnant?

So what is really stopping me from getting pregnant? Why cant I be certain that "this month will be it" and be 100% certain that things will work in the way that I could be so certain of what the fertility specialist would say or that my HSG would be clear or that I would find the right job?

There is always some element of doubt in my mind. Its only natural - its self preservation isnt it? If you were to be so certain that something would happen you are surely setting yourself up for a big fall if the outcome is not as expected. I liken it to exams. At the time you might do your best and may be pleased as you are certain you will get good results. But nearer to results day you start doubting yourself and start preparing yourself in case you didnt do so well. That way you are prepared for whatever result you get.

However, where this analogy differs is that in an exam, once you have written your exam paper, you have no further influence over the result. When trying to conceive, what if this little sliver of doubt that I carry deep within me is enough for my body to put up some kind of block to actually letting it happen.

I tell myself that there could be some medical reason that I dont yet know about? Then it wouldnt matter how positive I was being or how concrete my thoughts, it would simply be a matter of the odds being against us. Or would it? We have had all the basic tests so I know its nothing obvious. There is actually no medical reason for us not being successful, especially when we go for IUI as that will pick out the best swimmers!

I must stop preparing myself for failure and start looking forward to success. This will work, I just have to start believing it.

An absolute mind and concrete thoughts

I have written a lot about factual events etc over the past few months but have been thinking a lot about how I may have been affecting things.

I was quite impressed with how adamant my mindset was that certain things would happen following our fertility specialist appointment. In my mind I simply would not entertain the idea that he might not have recommended IUI providing my tubes were clear. It just wasnt going to happen any other way despite being warned by my accupuncturist and friends on a support forum.

The next event I was adamant would happen was fitting in the HSG scan despite the nurse asking me to wait and arrange it for my next cycle as there is only one person who does the procedure and there is only a 5 day window etc etc. I was having none of it and called the x-ray department to try my luck. Bingo, they had a slot the next day. Perfect.

During the procedure, there were difficulties and they were about to give up. In my head I felt myself asking someone, something, anyone, for a helping hand to find a way to do this procedure without having to make a further appointment to have it done in theatre under anaesthetic. That would mess up my timescale and I was on a roll, everything was slotting into place and the timing all felt right. I wasnt asking a god or anything but almost opening the situation up to the universe to help find a solution. Something worked as the radiographer came up with an idea to improvise using a completely different piece of equipment. The procedure was completed and tubes were clear, which I just had a feeling would be the case.

Is this concrete thinking whereby I have no room for waivering thoughts or negtive thinking contributing to make events to go ahead??

I have read a lot about the law of cause and effect recently and that energy follows thought-form; if you completely belive something will happen, with absolutely no room for doubt, it will happen. The only other time I have had an absolute mind about something was when looking for a job 3 years ago. I had left my old job after 6 months being off sick due to severe depression but was being helped by studying a 2 year crystal therapy course which was every other monday. I now wanted to return to work but realised that I may find it difficult to find a job where I could take a day off every fortnight!!! But then I found myself visualising those negative thoughts like a stream of energy and holding my hand up to stop them in their tracks as if to say a big fat NO! Each time I worried about finding a job and continuing the crystal course I used the same visualisation. I soon came across a council website which was advertising the exact job I wanted, of which the closing date was a few days away. I applied, got the job, and used annual leave and flexi days to continue my course. Perfect.

Its now dawning on me that perhaps I have to use this absolute and concrete thought process to help in our quest to become parents. I doubt myself too much. I have worried since I was 20 about not being able to have children and how devastated I would be. Why did I do that? I had no reason?

I also wonder whether this was all some grand plan to stall things and that perhaps previously I wasnt ready to have a baby, but thats another post.

x

HSG Palava!

The nurse said the procedure would take 5 minutes but it took half an hour as the hole in the cervix was so tight they couldnt get anything through!! They were on the verge of giving up after trying 4 different sized catheters. They said if this procedure didn't work then they would call it a day and I would have to go to theatre another day for a laparoscopy and have the tubes checked that way.

The radiographer then came out from a back room and said; "This may be a stupid suggestion but... can we use this?" and held up some tube that was used for other procedures which was tapered so may slide in. I told them that I didnt care if it was a stupid suggestion, they should try it and I had decided to be positive that this would work as I didnt want to go to theatre. I felt myself sound quite bossy but I felt so strongly that this hiccup wasnt going to spoil my grand plan of getting referred quickly and have a successful IUI. "This would work" I kept telling myself.

Thankfully it did but I was getting quite stressed with the whole thing as I had been lying there for 25 minutes, trying not to visualise it having to be abandoned and had cramp in my thighs! To top it off there were two student nurses in the room as well. In the end, the dye went in but because they were improvising with the tube the dye spilled all over me as the tube was so narrow there was too much pressure and it sprayed backwards over me.

Good thing is that the dye went in, though very slowly through the very thin tube, and it was painful on one side where there seemed to be a blockage but this was cleared. So its all good in the end!!

I thought afterwards that I should have taken my phone in with me to get a picture of the last x-ray taken - I wont often get the opportunity to see inside myself. Sadly, I didnt have this forthought but I did pull this one off google which is the closest I could find to how mine looked!!!

What a week!

What a whirlwind week this has been!!!

It started with our first fertility specialist appointment on tuesday. I had been quite nervous as I set myself certain expectations about what would happen; such as being sent for a scan to check tubes, they would be ok (I just had a feeling) and therefore we would be sent for IUI due to mild male factor. My acupuncturist had warned me that they may try to fob us of with clomid to increase the no of eggs produced since there are such waiting lists that they try to put people off if possible. I didnt want that as it wouldnt help with hubby's morphology. I was adamant though that it would be straightforward - tube check and then IUI. I knew that I would be disappointed if that was not the case so I kept positive that it would be how I visualised it.

Tuesday came and the whole appointment went so fast. The specialist said he recommended IUI but needed to check tubes first. In the meantime, so as not to waste time, the fertility nurse would start filling out our referral paperwork, we just needed to decided on what clinic we wanted to go to! We were also sent for our HIV/Hepatitis blood test screen and I was given the telephone number to book my scan. As soon as the results were back our referral would be made. It was like I had written the script!!

I was told to wait until the first day of my next cycle to ring and book a scan te be done between days 6-10. I thought "well im on day 5 now so it cant hurt to see if I can be squeezed in". In fact I was adamant in my mind that I would be able to have it this week but could only ring between 8 and 9 in the morning so had to wait until wednesday. Still positive that I would have an appointment in the next few days, I rang the X ray department. Wham bam, they gave me an appointment for the next afternoon - thursday!!!

In the meantime, we researched clinics and though there is a very good one down the road, Bourn Hall, it has long waiting lists. The other options were leicester fertility centre and herts and Essex fertility centre. I called all three on thursday morning and go the following info:

Bourn - could not get through but researched on forums and found that in the last few months people are waiting 2 months for their first appointment and then 4-5 months to start treatment.

Leicester - They have no waiting lists, they are currently booking first appointments the week they receive you referral letter and you start on your next cycle. They do however seem to only used ovulation test strips to time the IUI which is no good for me as I know that stress causes me to have delayed ovulation 9sometimes for weeks.
Oh my goodness, I never imagined that this procedure would be such a nightmare!!

Herts and Essex - They also have no waiting lists and are booking first appointments the week they receive the referral letter. They said that each couple is assessed to decide on whether they use medication or not. Just what I wanted to hear. They also sent me a brochure!!

That made it an easy decision!!!

Why am I so stupid?

Why did I ever think that this cycle would be any diferent from the others? Dam it.

Just because I ovulated against all the odds during a stressfull time at work, and the fact that we gave it a good try every day for 5 days in a row, and because it would be perfect to get a positive the weekend before our first fertility specialist appointment, and because the timing would be perfect so the due date would be our anniversary, and becasue we would be able to give my dad our first scan picture as a retirement present in november.

Oh and last of all, because I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 31 which is today (I also wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30 but that came and went). It would have been the best birthday present ever.

I was kidding myself wasnt I?

Meditation - Divine Feminine?

Following my accupuncture appointment last monday I did a meditation once I was at home and something strange happened...

I had first picked a crystal to meditate with and saw that one of my quartz crstals had fallen over. I picked it up and realised that it was a single point with a smaller point joined next to it. Kind of like a mother and child. I thought that that would be the perfect crystal. Once I started the mediatation, I got a strange smell, like old ladies perfume. I thought I was smeling something in the room but when I brought my awareness back to the room, it was gone. I returned back to meditation and it was there again. Next the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" came into my head. Strange. Though I then associated the smell with a feminine presence and felt quite reassured. I felt quite sleepy and went to bed and was drawn to take the crystal with me. Since then, I have taken the same crystal with me and repeated the words "Embrace the love and power of the divine feminine" every night bfore I fall asleep.

I hope this all means something and is givingme reasurance that everything is working!!

Feeling positive!!

Well, its been a while. Our fertility specialist appointment is only a fortnight away now. I have had all of my repeat tests and they are all fine. The best result was my smear as I had previously had some dodgy ones following by a small operation to remove a slice of the cervix and now finally I have had enough clear results at 6 -12 month intervals that I now dont need one for 3 years!

Despite having a horrible time at work last week and being in tears several times, my body is actually doing what it should! I went for some crystal healing last thursday as I was feeling abit run down and my friend Andy was really impressed that all my energy centres were spot on! He dowsed up some really high energy crystals for me and even he was quite impressed.

I also started getting fertile signs from cd13, which I really didnt expect seeing that I wasnt coping with work. How was my body doing this?? Every other month, it only takes a little bit of stress and ovulation is delayed, but this month it was looking good. Signs continued and monday(yesterday) I had signs that I had done it - ovulation on cd17!!! Whoa!! Something, somewhere, is routing for me! I was booked in for accupuncture that same day which means my post ovulation energy should be boosted. This is where I was also struggling in trying to increase the length of this second phase. It was all working perfectly and im feeling really positive that perhaps some greater force is helping me along. All my appointments have been well timed and couldnt have been pre-arranged like that as my cycles are so unpredictable.

I have also been signed off work for a week due to chest pains. Im sure its all down to stress but amazed that actually my energy centres were doing fine. I have had my heart checked out and its fine but gp advised some time off work. I started to think that perhaps these pains are a sign that this month I really need to have a bit of time out. They were better over the weekend until I started talking about work on sunday. I went to work yesterday but they were really painful so I thought; you know what im going to be selfish and take some time off to help these pains go away. It also means I will be more relaxed while, hopefully, a little fertilised egg is making its way down to its new home. That would be so fantastic if it is. Every spare minute and particularly as im going to sleep I repeat over and over again 'Im pregnant, Im pregnant, Im pregnant'. Im really convincing myself that this is all part of some divine/grand plan. My period will be due just before our referral appointment so I will keep with the positive thought and enjoy the rest of the week relaxing and not being at work!!

The good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Good - Our fertility specialist appointment came through today and its for the 7th September!!! Wooo hooo!

The Bad - I still have to repeat my smear and chlamidia tests as apparently these have to be done within a month of the referral and mine were 6 months ago. I also need to lose a bit of weight before the appointment and am aiming to shift half a stone so strict diet from now!

The Ugly - Definitely not pregnant this month :-(

Progesterone result better this time!

So, I did progesterone test again on what would be day 28 but at least this time I think it is around 5 days post ovulation (5dpo), rather than 1dpo!! Result came back as 35.9 which is more like it should be, however, my temps are coming down already and its only 8dpo. Great.

Oh well, on the positive side, we have the week off work and went camping for a few days. It was a nice break. I also spent the day on saturday on a course at the school where I learnt crystal therapy etc and it gave me the boost I need. I then also told hubby I needed a day to myself and he took himself off to Lincoln for the day to see family. I think the course and day to mself was just what I needed. To have the week off too is a bonus.

I had a chat with my manager about work and stress and she got someone from HR to talk to us, who was more than useless! Oh well, its lucky I have some time off!!!

Doctors appointment

So, I went along and repeated my day21 progesterone test and hubby did another "sample". We went to go and see the doctor today to get the results.

My blood test was not conclusive that I ovulated but I pointed out that I have had a particularly stressful month and think I only ovulated 1 day before the test so we are repeating that, again, on friday which should give a better result.

Hubbys sperm sample showed no improvement and we are going ahead with a referral to a fertility specialist. She talked about possible IUI or even ICSI due to the sperm morphology but we will have to see. That is good news in a way as we may get somewhere now but it means that I have to have more tests before the referral so that we go armed with all the tests results.

The doctor did say that we should get an appointment letter through the post by the end of the week. Lets hope that its not too far away.

Regarding stress at work, I spoke to her about how I wasnt sleeping and she asked if we were sure that having a baby now was the right thing to do!!! She did suggest taking up the offer of anappointment with occupational health at work though so I may do that. I dont want them to say that im not capable of doing my job though, thats not the best thingto have on your record when you know that redundancies are being considered!!!!

Visualisation

I thought that I would write out the visualisation that I am doing (well trying to do) everyday. It is taken mainly from the hynofertility book that I bought but I have tweaked it slightly as I felt a bit silly using some of the wording. Ok here goes, no laughing now....

First relax in a quiet place and take a few deep breaths. On each exhale, breath out all the tension in my body. When relaxed I work through the following visualisation:

"It is easy for me to get pregnant. I will fall pregnant at my next ovulation. My plentiful fertile cervical fluid directs healthy sperm to swim freely through my cervix. Once they have swum through they easily find my fallopian tubes and make their way through, eagerly awaiting the arival of my egg.

My oestrogen levels soar and I easily release a perfect and healthy egg. This is swept up into my fallopian tube where it is greeted by lots of healthy sperm. A single, perfect and healthy sperm penetrates the egg and successfuly fertilises it (see sparks flying and fireworks going off!).

The fertilised egg makes its way freely down the falopian tube to the uterus. It reaches the uterus and nestles itself cosily into the thick lining of the uterine wall. Here, it attaches itself and my body starts producing the pregnancy hormone HCG.

The placenta develops and takes over providing nourishment for my baby. As the baby grows inside me, my tummy grows and I have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I go on to have a safe and stressfree home waterbirth and finally hold my perfect and healthy baby in my arms."

Update on my list of positive things

So, I had a to do list on my last post and this is how I have been doing...

1. Start again with my visualisations - not so good with this one...must try harder
2. Redoing blood tests - been to docs and tried mentioning that I think my luteal phase is too short (9-10 days) and she didnt understand and thought I was worried about ovulating. Gave in and agreed to have day 21 progesterone test repeated.
3. Hubby doing his test again in 2 days time
4. More meditation to reduce stress - hmmm, not started that one yet but have booked friday off to relax and go to accupuncture appointment
5. Diet - that lapsed too after a weekend camping. Did well again today until I came home and ate 3 chocolate brownies!! Doh.

Fresh start, again, and a sprinkling of positivity!!!

Ok then, so the first month of positive thinking and visualisation didnt go so well. I gave it a good go though and it was my first try.

This month, im determined things will go more smoothly and im taking a proactive approach. I will therefore do the following:

1. Start again with my visualisations (as I lapsed with them when work got me down)
2. I will see the doctor again to re-do my blood tests (no harm in being prepared in case things dont work out naturally)
3. Hubby will repeat his, erm, analysis as it has been 3 months since the last
4. I will do more meditation in an attempt to be less stresed
5. I will continue with the diet I started after being filmed at work and discovered how awfull I looked on TV!! (I lost 6lbs in the first week!!! woo hoo!!!)

I feel that is a positive step and can only do my best!

Positive thinking is disappearing fast

Well, I was positive to begin with this time round.
Then ovulation messed up and was delayed.
Then I started to resent the actual act of "trying" and couldnt find the enthusiasm to keep going when I had no idea when I would ovulate.
Then I eventually ovulated and we only gave it a try on one day... one day!!!! when previously we were everyday for 6 days!!!
And now my temps are down indicating a short luteal phase of 9 days...again!! I know thats too short to give any little eggy a chance.
I feel my body is at war with the idea of creating a new life.
I feel my positivity draining fast

Messed up ovulation...again

Well, I have been doing my visualisations everyday and had accupuncture at the beginning of last week. All was looking good, we made good attempts 6 days in a row and I was feeling positive and then...work exhausted me, ahhh. By the end of last week I was so tired that I barely had the energy for baby dancing so its not surprising that all my fertile signs dissapeared and I failed to ovulate..again.

Goodness me. I am sooo sick of work taking over my life and essentially making me infertile. Since I then didnt know when things would start up again and I was so tired we didnt try over the weekend. Then suddenly, tuesday, a slight sign, we gave it a go and my body spontaneously ovulated second time around. Unfortunatey it means despite trying 6 days in a row when I thought I was fertile, it didnt happen, it then got sprung upon me and we only gave it a single attempt.

Im not feeling so positive now. This has happened three months in a row now. In fact, im even considering taking a few days off during my next cycle when its that crucial ovulation time to make sure im relaxed and give myself a chance. Or is that too much pressure? Im just plain fed up and if state of mind has anything to do with things then im well aware that im killing my chances. The only positivity I can grasp on to is that if I ovulated on tuesday then thats closer to the full moon eclipse on saturday which is supposed to be favourable for virgos trying to conceive. As they say, it only takes a single sperm blah blah blah.....

Back from holiday :-) and back to work :-(

So back from holiday yesterday and hoping that this month will be positive. AF arrived on the first day (great start) but I'm hoping with some positive thinking this month will be better.

I have had a read of my hypnofertility book and have some visualisations to do everyday which I started while I was away. Im sure other people lying by the pool would think im barmy if they knew that I was visualising sperm swimming through my cervix and watching in my mind while an egg was released from my ovary! Apparently the more that you go through these visualisation while in a deeply relaxed state then the subconscious gets comfortable with the idea that it will happen and all this helps prepare the mind for the fact that you will be pregnant and will help to remove any psychological blocks.

Im hoping that the fact that I started these visualisations while on holiday means that as I continue them I will take my mind back to being nice and relaxed while lying in the sun by the pool on holiday. Now that im back at work, I can already feel the stress levels rising but im seeing my acupuncturist on monday so hoping that that will also help. Im due to ovulate middle of next week but know that for the last two cycles ovulation has been delayed which I can only attribute to a particularly stressful time at work during those days. So I must remain calm and detached from work until at least the end of next week and make sure that im focusing positive energy on myself and not expending it all on work. So much easier said than done!!!

On a positive note, my horroscope says that the eclispse towards the end of this month is a good sign for pregnancy for virgos woohoo!!! It says..

Now we come to the matter of the full moon lunar eclipse in Capricorn at 5 degrees, due June 26 (operative for five days on either side of this date). This eclipse will fall in your house of true love and bring a matter of the heart to culmination. This same area of the chart rules pregnancy, birth and the care of children. If you have hoped for a baby, this eclipse may bring a child. If you are not ready, you will have to be very careful because a pregnancy could occur

Fingers crossed, perhaps the stars are on my side this month!!! If you havent read Susan Miller's horroscopes I highly recommend it http://www.astrologyzone.com/

My hypnofertility book arrived!!!

I do get stupidly excited about each new avenue I try in the quest of TTC. When I heard the postman drop something heavy through the letterbox this morning I squealed and ran downstairs!

I have now read the first few chapters and there are several exercises for both of us to do to get you thinking about what your mind is actually thinking. They are stupid things that I didnt realise I thought about but for example...

can I carry on doing my job when im pregnant (I work on a lot of contaminated land sites)?
what mess will I come back to at work after a years maternity leave?
will it upset my sister in law who had a failed attempt at IVF?
will my mother in law interfere the way she did over our wedding (religion issues)?
will I look like a sack of potatoes with a bump as im far heavier than I would like?
will my depression return with having a baby? !!!!!!!

Oh my goodness, they all sound so stupid but I never realised I actually think about this stuff and I could actually be psychologically blocking myself getting pregnant !!! Do I sound like a madwoman???

We are going on holiday this evening so I may take the book with us and work through it a little more whilst sitting by the pool - nice!! I shall update you (well all one of you so far!!) when im back next week.

So why do I think it could all be in the mind?

I realise that im writing a lot in these first few days but thats because I have alot to say for you to understand why I am writing this blog in the first place.

Well, according to the doctors, there doesnt appear to be anything medically stopping us conceiving (so far anyway but we have only had initial tests). I have started having accupuncture and my accupucturist and I have had some really interesting conversations looking at my life as a whole and my thoughts on fertility. What has come out of this is that I focus too much of my energy on the rest of the world, most predominantly at the moment being my work.

She has specialised in fertility for the last 10 years and has noticed a pattern in those couples labelled with "unexplained fertility". In most cases the female is very work orientated, can be quite stressed and is generally quite sensitive to angry people. It is her view that in order to conceive, your energy has to be focussed in the reproductive area and that this is the first area to suffer when energy is being expended on other things. When she said this, it really rung a bell and started to hit home that I was probably, somehow, preventing myself getting pregnant!

This was a little revelation for me and really got me thinking. At the same time, I saw a program on Discovery home and health called "Extreme pregnancy" and a couple on there had looked into hypnofertility. I had never heard of such a thing and you might be forgiven for thinking that it is a pretty daft idea that you could "think yourself pregnant"!!! But it worked for them and the husband went on to study this to help other couples.

Well, willing to try anything, and given my recent conversations with my accupuncturist, I scoured the internet and found myself a book. Its not here yet but its coming from America so could take a little while. Im quite looking forward to it and feeling positive.

A word on doctors

I have not had a great experience with the medical profession particularly with fertility issues. I sometimes wonder what they do actually know? I know I shoudnt be too harsh as they have to know a little bit about a lot of things to be able to do their job and that they aren’t specialists.

But, the first doctor I saw just wasn’t helpful. She kept saying “it just takes time for some people” and to “just relax and not think about it”. She didn’t seem to understand my concern that sometimes my cycles were as short as 26 days and others as long as 65- that couldn’t be right!

That’s when I was recommended by a friend a fantastic book “Taking charge of your fertility” by Toni Weschler www.tcoyf.com .

I found a copy on ebay and found it really empowering to understand that your body is actually giving you signs when you are fertile. I started the whole palaver of charting my temperatures and learnt that, to my surprise, my body gears up for ovulation at pretty much the same time every month around day 20. However, when I failed to ovulate at that time I could always relate it to something stressful that was going on over those crucial few days. All was not lost on those cycles as my body would always have a second attempt a few weeks later around day 40. This was a revelation for me and completely explained why I had irregular cycles – stress!!

Anyway, I digress from talking about doctors. After a few more trips to the same doctor over the months she was still adamant that it wasn’t an issue. I had given up on my doctor as I felt I was just wasting her time. It was only when my hubby volunteered to go and get himself checked that his doctors asked why hadn’t I gone along too as she should be running some standard tests on me! So off I went and the tests included the day 21 progesterone tests. This tests measure progesterone to see if you are ovulating. It is based on the assumption that you have a 28 day cycle, that you ovulate on day 14, and therefore your progesterone peaks at day 21. That’s all fine and dandy but I knew I ovulate around day 20 (if im lucky) so to test on day 21 is a waste of time. She wouldn’t listen and told me to forget about ovulation; the only way to tell I ovulated was when I got my period which would mean I ovulated 14 days earlier. I had also already shown her on my charts that I had never gone longer than 12 days after ovulation as I was concerned that may have been an issue. I couldn’t understand why she was ignoring all the information I collected over the last year!!!!

We argued and I gave in and tested on day 21. For the first time in my LIFE, I had a 28 day cycle and ovulated on day 16. How do these things happen!

Needless to say, this just added to my frustration with GPs who want you to fit nicely into a box to make their life easier.

Introducing me!!!

Hello!
I thought that I would start with a little bit about myself. Im 30 and my husband is 40 and we got married in May 2008. We knew that we wanted to start trying for a baby but I was on large doses of anti depressants and was advised that it was not safe. So, knowing from previous experience that I am quite sensitive to changes in medication doses we took it slowly. It wasnt without its ups and downs but I got down to a 'safe' level in December 2008 and have been trying for a baby ever since.

Its frustrating enough knowing that you want to start trying and being told not to, but when you do eventually start trying and it doesnt happen, well its just the icing on a rather horrible tasting cake. I always thought that there may be a problem as I had never ever had irregular cycles. I started charting my temperatures to get a better understanding of my body and discovered that although I have some really long cycles, my body always tried to ovulate at the right time but it only took a little stress and my body decided that ovulation wasnt a good idea!

We both started taking vitamins in December 2009 to boost our chances but this didnt help. After just over a year, in February 2010, we both had a few tests and they all seemed fine. Hubbys morphology was a little on the low side but only slightly and he had to repeat 6 weeks later. It came back the same and they advised repeating in 3 months. That will be in July and then we may get a referal to a fertility specialist if there is no change. As for my tests, miraculously, I had a 28 day cycle at the time and so it showed no problems with ovulation on the day 21 progesterone test.

I started accupuncture in April 2010 and am hopeful that this will balance me out a little. I have also ordered a book on hypnofertility on amazon and am looking forward to its arrival. I will try anything!!!

Thats a summary of things up to now, I hope you enjoy reading!!

Claire x