26 weeks!

I catch myself thinking "how on earth did I get here?" Its so hard to believe that this has happend but it is looking more and more likely that im actuallt going to have a baby in a few months....scary!

Im getting used to the idea but it does still seem fairly surreal. We have most things sorted I think, cot, car seat, changing table, some clothes etc. Just need to sit and wait now I guess.

My midwife is all for a home birth which is encouraging as its something that I had always wanted but not thought about it much further until she mentioned it at my booking in appointment. I know I would be a lot less stressed in my own environment and that has got to count for a lot. But hey, lets just see nearer the time if its still an option, im easy really x

13 Weeks

I cant believe we've reached 13 weeks already!

Had first proper 12 week scan yesterday and it was nice to have one of the normally schedulled scans rather than have to go to the early pregnancy assessment unit - its starting to feel a little more normal now!

Everything is looking good, watching the screen was simply beautiful as baby wriggled around, pushing against its legs to lift itself up then sliding back down again...so funny.



The other good news is that the sickness is finally easing up, phew, though I still cant over do the eating or im back to square one again. I really cant complain though as it means all is going well, its just hard to manage feeling and being so ill at work and in front of others as we havent told many people yet. We told hubbys family last weekend and they were really pleased but it all became a little overwhelming with all the questions etc.  We are telling mine this evening as there is a family dinner and I know they will be really surprised as they think we are adopting still.

And whilst we are on the subject of adopting, we finally heard back from the second adoption agency. The first one had a social worker visit arranged for 14th Jan which we obviously ended up cancelling but we had heard nothing from the other one. However, this week we finally got a letter letting us know that a social worker had been assigned to us and would be in touch to arrange our first visit. Quite a difference in their response times, especially as they were the first one we contacted back in November. I think we had already decided not to go with them anyway as we got a much better feeling from the other agency.

In a qandry

Not sure what to do about the fact we have a social worker coming around this week.  I need to speak to them tomorrow and cancel but part of me just cant accept, or perhaps cant allow myself to accept, that this is happening. Its funny, it was the first month that I was absolutely settled in the fact that we were adopting and looking forward to it too. To the point where I felt it was the right thing and part of me was pleased that we couldnt have our own children and that I wouldnt have to go through pregnancy or the early couple of years. I had been thinking about the fact that when you adopt they ask you to go on the pill and that still made me slightly uncomfortable despite how I was feeling it was the right thing to do. In coming to that decision, I felt so much happier about going to see a friend who just had a new baby, knowing that I was no longer jealous and that seeing her was no longer going to upset me inside. It was wonderfull, I felt 100% joy for her with not that usual tiny bit of "why not me??".

Though I wasnt ready to go on the pill, I was happy to consciously avoid 'trying' at that time of month but then realised that we had at exactly that time and....can you believe this....it fleetingly filled me with worry!!! I vowed that, once AF arrived, I would make a more conscious effort and perhaps actually go on the pill at last.

But she didnt arrive, and I couldnt accept that. I bit of me was excited, but part was unsettled as I dont like my plans being changed!!! I had worked so hard to accept we werent giving birth to our children and then thought maybe this was a cruel lesson to make me happier about going on the pill by letting me get pregnant and then have another miscarriage so that I was happy never to chance getting pregnant again.

My brain just couldnt cope and I didnt do a test until I was over a week late and only then told hubby. I was going to wait a few days more until christmas day to tell him but was already feeling sick and off my food and was coming home from work and sleeping. He was pretty surprised but elated and I finally went to the gp christmas eve. Even she was happy for me as she had followed me through the ivfs, the miscarriage, the appeal for funding, the genetic testing, the ovarian reserve testing etc.

Finally, after having a scan I feel I can try to start to believe that its really happening but am still struggling to get in the right mindset. Minds are weird arent they?!?!? I now feel guilty turning my back on adoption!

Adoption on hold

Pic taken at 6weeks 5days.
Heartbeat seen on scan despite bleeding exactly like last time when I miscarried.
Now almost 8 weeks (and still spotting).
100% surprise.
We are, cautiously, over the moon!

Slap on the wrists

Ooops, I realise it has been a fair while since I posted anything on this blog.....naughty me!

So anyway, its all change. After finally getting my AMH (measure of remaining egg reserve) checked and finding out its absolutely fine, the consultant recommended using my eggs rather than a donor if we were going to try again. We still had to get hubbys genetics tested to see if he had a chromosome translocation but I already started to come to the conclusion that enough was enough and I really didnt want to do it anymore.

If we did another round, the pressure would have been on as we would be financing it ourselves. I would have taken more time to get fitter to give it my best chance and also needed some time to psyche myself up.  All that, and then doing the cycle itself, would have taken another year of our lives and  most probably ended up with us in exactly the same situation as we were already in but with a whole load of stress and another year wasted.

We discussed adoption and agreed to find out more about it. As I started to feel ok about not trying again, it felt like a physical weight had been lifted off of me, the relief was immense and it really made me realise how stressful the whole thing was.

We also got hubby's genes checked and it appears there is nothing wrong there. However, it made no difference to our decision.

So, we have made enquiries with two local authorities, been to two information evenings and are just waiting to hear back from them after sending in our expression of interest forms.

Exciting stuff!!!

All over...again.

You might have guessed it from the lack of posts.
Its all over again.
Not much else to say really :-(

Taking the plunge

 

As the title of the post suggests, we are just going to do it.

The consultant got back saying he wouldnt be too worried, which is slightly different to the advice given to sister in law, and that hubbys swimmers dont show any sign of issues from numbers and fertilisation reports alone. Obviously we havent had any genetic testing though.

Hubbys Dad is also a carrier of the chromosome translocation and had 6 healthy children. His parents also did not have any miscarriages so it didnt directly affect them. Though, 3 of those children have gone on to have problems conceiving but you have no way of telling whether that is a cause.

Weighing up the fact that time is also not on my side, we are just going to go ahead with it. If it really was a problem then surely the NHS wouldnt let us continue with the cycle.

So, the drugs start this evening....