After wallowing for a little while about how rubbish my eggs are I came to realise that in fact my IVF cycle didnt fail. The IVF was never about making a baby, it was about putting an end to the last two years of TTC obsessions and letting me move on. Seeing the consultant set me back a little until I realised that though a new life was not conceived in the form of a little developing embryo, I did conceive a new life for myself and it was a long time coming. I temporarily forgot my little burst of creativity the day that I found out it hadnt worked. A lot happened that day and I turned around as a person.
The last few months have been a real development phase as all the parts of this new life start to form. However, instead of the formation of tiny bud like limbs, a life supporting placenta and a small but perfect beating heart, there has been the creation of a new venture, a website, an associated blog, and I have signed up to a particularly challenging and demanding course on Higher Dimensional Healing.
This course will compliment the work I have done so far with crystal healing and meditation and will require strict discipline in the form of daily meditation and a great deal of study. It is the leap that I have been needing to take and finally the time is right. It starts in march and lasts six months, ending on the 28th August which coincidentally would have been my due date if we had have got pregnant!
I hope to blossom over these nine months and to give birth to a new person who is ready and equipped to deal with the world. This blog may go a little quiet in the meantime, but you never know, through rebalancing myself, things just may fall into place!
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Monday, 24 January 2011
Follow up appointment
I had my follow up appointment today after our failed IVF cyle and it appears that I defy all the trends!
I was told that my age suggests that I should respond well as I am still young, by that they mean under 35, and that is why I was given a low dose of the stimulant. In addition having longer cycles suggests a high ovarian reserve and again therefore I should respond well. These factors combined meant that early on in my notes they mention I should proceed with caution as there is a high chance I will over respond.
Ha, well that didnt happen as I had a grand total of 3 eggs! The consultant didnt really understand why this was. The quality was also poor which he said can happen not only when someone overstimulates and produces too many eggs but also when someone under stimulates. I had never heard of this before but he is the expert. He thinks poor egg quality could explain the low fertilisation rate. Hubby's swimmers were apparently tip top and when he said this you could see the macho exchange of glances between hubby and the consultant. Whilst this is good it also felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth, just to rub in the fact that my contribution to the whole process was more than crap.
As far as doing things differently next time, we made it clear that I cant take the same down regulating drug as, though I can handle all the physical symptoms, it made my mental state very dangerous and hubby is concerned about how I started obsessing about suicide. As an aside, I find it strange that my mind went that way; the aim was to create a new life not to try and put an end to one! Kind of ironic.
I am pleased to say that he agreed the side effects of the suprecur were too dangerous for me and said he would put me on a short protocol which is normally used for older women who generally have a low ovarian reserve and are poor responders. It also means I dont have to down regulate and so avoid the suprecur.
I dont really know how I feel after all of this except that I now feel I have the eggs of an old woman rather than a 31 year old; great. Anyway, after every negative there is a positive so I am sure I shall pick myself up shortly!
I was told that my age suggests that I should respond well as I am still young, by that they mean under 35, and that is why I was given a low dose of the stimulant. In addition having longer cycles suggests a high ovarian reserve and again therefore I should respond well. These factors combined meant that early on in my notes they mention I should proceed with caution as there is a high chance I will over respond.
Ha, well that didnt happen as I had a grand total of 3 eggs! The consultant didnt really understand why this was. The quality was also poor which he said can happen not only when someone overstimulates and produces too many eggs but also when someone under stimulates. I had never heard of this before but he is the expert. He thinks poor egg quality could explain the low fertilisation rate. Hubby's swimmers were apparently tip top and when he said this you could see the macho exchange of glances between hubby and the consultant. Whilst this is good it also felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth, just to rub in the fact that my contribution to the whole process was more than crap.
As far as doing things differently next time, we made it clear that I cant take the same down regulating drug as, though I can handle all the physical symptoms, it made my mental state very dangerous and hubby is concerned about how I started obsessing about suicide. As an aside, I find it strange that my mind went that way; the aim was to create a new life not to try and put an end to one! Kind of ironic.
I am pleased to say that he agreed the side effects of the suprecur were too dangerous for me and said he would put me on a short protocol which is normally used for older women who generally have a low ovarian reserve and are poor responders. It also means I dont have to down regulate and so avoid the suprecur.
I dont really know how I feel after all of this except that I now feel I have the eggs of an old woman rather than a 31 year old; great. Anyway, after every negative there is a positive so I am sure I shall pick myself up shortly!
Friday, 31 December 2010
It's the season to be jolly..
... but I find it the hardest time of the year, particularly this year, and I wouldnt be surprised if I wasnt alone. I have had conversations recently with one of my 'real' friends and several 'online' friends who are in the same situation and so desperately want 2011 to be the year that they successfully get that longed for child. These conversations revolved around the fact that this is the time of year that we socialise more and are expected to visit people and be visited by others who unknowingly rub our noses in the fact that we have infertility problems.
We all know the situations: a new pregnancy announcement, a new birth announcement, a new scan picture or friends moaning about their children. However at this time of year its particularly difficult to hide yourself away from it all. We havent told any of our family about our recent IVF, as we didnt need their questions or knowing looks or having to explain to them that we also failed at that. However, at Christmas the subject of children and grandchildren inevitably comes up and this time the excuses and trying to shrug off the subject was just that little bit harder. I just wanted to shout out that we HAVE tried, we did 7 weeks of drugs, 41 injections and several hospital procedures. But, I didnt. I smiled and I simply said "perhaps sometime".
I think we really need to be kinder to ourselves. We are not bad people for feeling jealous of the' fertiles' or for feeling hurt that it comes to them so easily. Do try and remember back to a time before you started trying to conceive and recall how you had no comprehension of how it felt to fail in the baby making department. I personally cringe at how many people I may have innocently asked "when are you going to have kids?" and for that I apologise to them all. I also do not feel angry at those that inadvertently put their foot in it without ever realising, as I was once that person too.
We cant expect any of our fertile friends or relatives to understand how it feels. The only way that they could possibly understand is to actually have gone through similar themselves and I dont wish that on any of them.
And lastly, I would like to wish my friends Giles and Caroline all the luck in the world for the IVF cycle that they have recently started. Giles is the only 'real' person that I talk to in detail about these things after we discovered we were on a parallel journey during a chance discussion when working together almost a year ago. Since then I have always appreciated his advice and would hope to be able to class him as a friend now rather than a work colleague. Caroline, though I have not yet met you, your supportive comments on here have been a real comfort over the last couple of months and I would like nothing more than for this to work out for you.
Happy New Year, I really hope it proves to be fruitful for us all!
We all know the situations: a new pregnancy announcement, a new birth announcement, a new scan picture or friends moaning about their children. However at this time of year its particularly difficult to hide yourself away from it all. We havent told any of our family about our recent IVF, as we didnt need their questions or knowing looks or having to explain to them that we also failed at that. However, at Christmas the subject of children and grandchildren inevitably comes up and this time the excuses and trying to shrug off the subject was just that little bit harder. I just wanted to shout out that we HAVE tried, we did 7 weeks of drugs, 41 injections and several hospital procedures. But, I didnt. I smiled and I simply said "perhaps sometime".
I think we really need to be kinder to ourselves. We are not bad people for feeling jealous of the' fertiles' or for feeling hurt that it comes to them so easily. Do try and remember back to a time before you started trying to conceive and recall how you had no comprehension of how it felt to fail in the baby making department. I personally cringe at how many people I may have innocently asked "when are you going to have kids?" and for that I apologise to them all. I also do not feel angry at those that inadvertently put their foot in it without ever realising, as I was once that person too.
We cant expect any of our fertile friends or relatives to understand how it feels. The only way that they could possibly understand is to actually have gone through similar themselves and I dont wish that on any of them.
And lastly, I would like to wish my friends Giles and Caroline all the luck in the world for the IVF cycle that they have recently started. Giles is the only 'real' person that I talk to in detail about these things after we discovered we were on a parallel journey during a chance discussion when working together almost a year ago. Since then I have always appreciated his advice and would hope to be able to class him as a friend now rather than a work colleague. Caroline, though I have not yet met you, your supportive comments on here have been a real comfort over the last couple of months and I would like nothing more than for this to work out for you.
Happy New Year, I really hope it proves to be fruitful for us all!
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Its all over
Im upset but not as gutted as I thought I might be.
It has made me reassess things and I realise that, though I think im ready, I understand why it didnt work. I have been ignoring some other things that have been niggling at me and until I have sorted that I dont think my baby will join me in this world. Babies are wise and I think this one is just waiting for the right time. It knew better than me that the timing was just not yet right.
Its actually the kick up the bum that I needed and perhaps now I will find the courage to embark on something new that I have been toying with for a couple of years. It bugs me every six months or so when I get the realisation that I am lacking something spiritually and therefore do not feel fulfilled. I dont yet have an outlet for everything I have learnt and for sharing my understanding of the world and I feel that until I rectify that and in some way fulfill my purpose for being then that little baby will stay firmly in another plane.
Its quite true that if IVF had worked this time, I would easily have cast aside these niggles fooling myself that I was now complete. In reality, I have other avenues to pursue and then the whole baby thing may fall into place.
So, I shall re-start writing my book, I am in the process of constructing a website and I have just ordered some business cards. Im actually quite excited!
It has made me reassess things and I realise that, though I think im ready, I understand why it didnt work. I have been ignoring some other things that have been niggling at me and until I have sorted that I dont think my baby will join me in this world. Babies are wise and I think this one is just waiting for the right time. It knew better than me that the timing was just not yet right.
Its actually the kick up the bum that I needed and perhaps now I will find the courage to embark on something new that I have been toying with for a couple of years. It bugs me every six months or so when I get the realisation that I am lacking something spiritually and therefore do not feel fulfilled. I dont yet have an outlet for everything I have learnt and for sharing my understanding of the world and I feel that until I rectify that and in some way fulfill my purpose for being then that little baby will stay firmly in another plane.
Its quite true that if IVF had worked this time, I would easily have cast aside these niggles fooling myself that I was now complete. In reality, I have other avenues to pursue and then the whole baby thing may fall into place.
So, I shall re-start writing my book, I am in the process of constructing a website and I have just ordered some business cards. Im actually quite excited!
Monday, 13 December 2010
A few thoughts and a large pair of knickers
Today is 5 days past a 2 day transfer, or 5dp2dt for short. I have not been to work since the transfer and it has given me a nice, and much needed, break. It has also given me the opportunity to reflect on things and to meditate more - something which I really dont do enough of.
I try very hard to stay positve but the moment when they told us that our chances were pretty low keeps flashing back into my mind. I know that they were being kind by saying that little embie was graded average to poor when actually, on reading through their literature later, the grading they have given it is in fact in the poor category. I then feel guilty for seeming as though I have given up hope when there actually could be a little life struggling against the odds to settle into a nice new home - I almost feel as though I am betraying it!
In actual fact we are all guilty of being far too eager to assign labels to things. I guess that it is human nature to categorise objects or people or situations so that we can make assumptions about them based on their label. This fools us into thinking that we understand the object/person/situation and we therefore have certain expectations of it.
So, instead, I have tried to turn my thoughts around and mentally correct myself by saying that it will be a little miracle. Right now, it is a precious life and I will give it every chance possible to settle in this worls. I feel quite calm and positive about the outcome, whatever it may be, and this surprises me. I feel happy and content that we may have a positive ending but also quite ok if it doesnt work as I realise that it will mean that it is just not our baby's time. I am making sure that I meditate regularly to keep myself connected and ensure that life force energy is flowing through my being. I know that I am giving it all I can right now.
I try very hard to stay positve but the moment when they told us that our chances were pretty low keeps flashing back into my mind. I know that they were being kind by saying that little embie was graded average to poor when actually, on reading through their literature later, the grading they have given it is in fact in the poor category. I then feel guilty for seeming as though I have given up hope when there actually could be a little life struggling against the odds to settle into a nice new home - I almost feel as though I am betraying it!
In actual fact we are all guilty of being far too eager to assign labels to things. I guess that it is human nature to categorise objects or people or situations so that we can make assumptions about them based on their label. This fools us into thinking that we understand the object/person/situation and we therefore have certain expectations of it.
So, instead, I have tried to turn my thoughts around and mentally correct myself by saying that it will be a little miracle. Right now, it is a precious life and I will give it every chance possible to settle in this worls. I feel quite calm and positive about the outcome, whatever it may be, and this surprises me. I feel happy and content that we may have a positive ending but also quite ok if it doesnt work as I realise that it will mean that it is just not our baby's time. I am making sure that I meditate regularly to keep myself connected and ensure that life force energy is flowing through my being. I know that I am giving it all I can right now.
Lastly, and as the title suggests; I have added a picture of the HUGE pair of string vest like knickers that I woke up after the egg collection to find I was wearing . I find it a little disconcerting to think that some stranger, albeit a member of the medical profession, has dressed me in some quite personal attire and I have no memory of it!!!Glamorous aren't they?
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
In need of a miracle
We made it to transfer day and now have little embie tucked in safely. It will have to be a fighter to stick around as we were told its quality is not great. The embryologist said that sometimes the embryos just dont like the cultures that they are grown in in the lab and therefore it may do much better put back where it belongs. I do so hope that this is the case.
I will truly believe in miracles if I get to see this little one when its fully grown. I still love this little group of cells whether it makes it to the big wide world or not.
I will truly believe in miracles if I get to see this little one when its fully grown. I still love this little group of cells whether it makes it to the big wide world or not.Tuesday, 7 December 2010
How did I get to this?
Last injection was saturday night and then off I went for egg collection yesterday morning all hopefull that some of the smaller three had caught up and may produce an egg so that I had more than four.
Nope, that didnt happen. In fact, I didnt even get four. Three was the magic number at the end of the day. Three! All that work, all 5 weeks of injections for three! I was dissapointed but kept reminding myself that I only need one. I just had to pray that they all fertilised and were all ok.
Then the call this morning. Though all three had fertilised, two did so abnormally with two sperm each - apparently an indication of poor egg quality and the outer layer breaking down allowing more that one sperm in. So, three are now one and I go in tomorrow to have the little one put back as there is no point waiting to find our which is the strongest - there is not really much to choose from!
What immediately came to mind when the embryologist called this morning and told me we were down to one was that this was obviously meant to be the one. At least this way its not down to the lab to decide which one of those clumps of cells actually gets to be my child. Nature has taken care of that for me. I just have to hope that they dont call me in the morning to say that my little embryo stopped developing. Please stay strong little embie xx
Nope, that didnt happen. In fact, I didnt even get four. Three was the magic number at the end of the day. Three! All that work, all 5 weeks of injections for three! I was dissapointed but kept reminding myself that I only need one. I just had to pray that they all fertilised and were all ok.
Then the call this morning. Though all three had fertilised, two did so abnormally with two sperm each - apparently an indication of poor egg quality and the outer layer breaking down allowing more that one sperm in. So, three are now one and I go in tomorrow to have the little one put back as there is no point waiting to find our which is the strongest - there is not really much to choose from!
What immediately came to mind when the embryologist called this morning and told me we were down to one was that this was obviously meant to be the one. At least this way its not down to the lab to decide which one of those clumps of cells actually gets to be my child. Nature has taken care of that for me. I just have to hope that they dont call me in the morning to say that my little embryo stopped developing. Please stay strong little embie xx
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